秘密。哭 [mim⋅ic⋅ry]

死而无憾的一餐

2012-01-26T01:46:00.008+08:00

海峡时报有个专栏是我很喜欢看的，就是每个星期天访问出色的厨师，记者会问他们在地球上的最后一餐想吃什么。

其实他们想吃的没什么特别，就是他们最熟悉的味道。

尤其是身为厨师的他们，一辈子都煮菜给别人吃，轮到自己吃饭的时候已累得随便就范。

就像家里的母亲，你以为她在家很闲，其实禁锢在家中的她，很闷很忙很累，等到她把所有人喂饱了，她已累到只能瘫在沙发上，饭都不想吃。

不知道其他的妈有没有那么惨，但我妈是这样说的。真的很对不起她。

话说回来，我最后一餐会吃什么呢？先别说吃什么，其实最后一餐应该吃得有条件。

我必须先创造想吃，然后因为吃得到而感动的气氛。

首先，我需要饿到手软。是那种饿到脑海中会突然出现一样很想吃的食物的那种饥饿程度。

其二，好啦，最想吃的那一道菜出现了。（我敢说一定是家里就能找到且容易煮的食物。）

第三，手软归手软，还是要有足够的力气把想吃的煮出来。

比如，快熟面（加几粒Shitake蘑菇）、加香煎午餐肉、加荷包蛋和一小坨泡菜。

第四，煮的时候，把火开大一点，让快熟面的味精汤沸腾得让蘑菇都在水面滚来滚去，

还有午餐肉和鸡蛋在平底锅上弹跳的次数多到可以一起tango一下。

加一些番茄酱让午餐肉更热情，鸡蛋更腼腆。

可以想象，即将吃下的是另一种由自己一手创造的生命力。

第五，哇，还有，最完美的饭后甜点，莫过于一杯热腾腾的Milo。

如果你有注意到，重点其实就是一个热字。

第六，最后一餐，凡食必是热腾腾的。

在身体变得冰冷之前，总得让体温飙升最后一次。

让空荡饥饿的灵魂得到满足，

让体内的细胞在最温热的一刻，死去。

最后，如果你还没死去，在你把这一切吃下肚子后，记得把过程记录在别人看得到的地方。

这就是完美得叫人死而无憾的一餐。

fatalistic meteor

2011-12-21T03:09:00.002+08:00

look at the speed her fire is burning

in a way only fatality can chase close behind

sometimes her heart jerks a little

as the vessels strained while she wrought her blood dry

with the little time left

at the speed her fire is burning out

回想工作

2011-10-25T04:38:00.004+08:00

最近，对于许多事情，总算可以做个总结。

从毕业到现在，有太多的不确定性和未知，很多事只能悬挂在空中，等待主人有一天能够沉着地再次拾起。

每天所面对的变化很多，多到应接不暇。

选择了这份工作，就代表失去选择要看什么文字的自由。

现在通通都要看，像个追星族一样地膜拜每一个头条。

每天过得很快、也很吵杂。思想也很吵杂。

最近常有和别人说话的冲动。

似乎只有说话才能从脑袋里的噪音理出一条较清晰的思路。

和H聊天，发现现在的他如此沉静。

让我不禁想起巴哈的曲子。

突然发觉自己已太久没沉静下来。

乱谈那奇妙如噩梦般的四月

2011-10-13T00:51:00.009+08:00

又一次回想今年四月...

我想我总算有足够勇气回首凝视那段日子。

那一段把在过去10年早该学到的事浓缩成一个月的，名为至今的一生中最棒的社会大学课程。

虽然过程中被J师傅耍得团团转，

许许多多的缺点如疮疤被他掀开，再洒椒盐，干脆开个烤肉大会。

还有，怎能忘记他如何羞辱我的智商？

而事到如今，我还是不能认同那魔鬼式的教学法

只因很少人如我一样懦弱和下贱

才能容忍被人如此对待

但，我还是不得不承认

魔鬼式训练就是适合像我这样的魔鬼。

乔布斯的逝世让我有机会观赏了他在史丹福大学的演讲，

其中提及的一点是我非常认同的，是部分带有浓厚佛教色彩的谈论，

就是当他说我们的生命都由许多的点点构成，

我立刻想起了小时候常做的作业 . . .

纸上一团不知所云的点点，

根据点点旁的数字，

尝试用铅笔一口气把所有的点连接起来。

原来这就是一次又一次对于生命的练习和存在的提醒。

如今想起才发现这和常识没两样的动作原来也可充满哲学意味。

所以说，

乔布斯这说法，

我非常认同。因为我也从自己的不同点滴找出自我构造过程的痕迹。

如果你相信轮回，

也相信每一个扯上关系的人其实存在着一种相欠的关系，

那么回到我的那位师傅，

其实我和他的关系非常微妙。

因为在我非常需要人帮助的时候，

他一而再地出现，并提出要帮助我。

而我接受他的帮助后，

我还真的造成很多的麻烦和困扰

我常常觉得我潜意识是在把一生中能犯的错一次过犯完，

好让我在正式步入新的人生旅程前，好好地在死过一次后获得重生。

而当一切在那一个月结束后，

我们已受够了彼此，

我其实希望我们以后再也不要有任何关系。

因为已欠他太多太多了。

但我觉得他出现帮助我的时间点很妙，

就如许多曾经出现在我生命中的师友，

往往在我无法走到下一个点时出现拉我一把。

这世界就是这么玄，

有时候倾斜的角度可以让人差一点就忽略掉，也可以倾斜到快失衡的那刹那把持住，

却已让人招架不住。

一则短记

2011-08-29T00:28:00.001+08:00

新汇点的封面，第一次写也是最后一次。至少暂时是这样。

过去一个星期是个很有意思的一周，遇到的人，说过的话，都会记得很久。

休息天

2011-05-23T00:27:00.003+08:00

终于等到休假日，已累得一塌糊涂。一整天下来吃了一剂补药、喝了一杯咖啡和一杯茶，晚上的11点半脑袋开始慢慢苏醒。手机响起，明天工作从下午3点推前到早上9点，真希望体内的咖啡因能延续到明天。

一天就这样过去了。

明天，要采访一群毕业生。才想起自己也还没参加毕业典礼、也没拍毕业照。怪不得，常问自己是怎样糊里糊涂地踏入社会的。从一道门走到另一道门，总觉得尾巴还卡在某条门缝，只是不知道是属于哪一道门。

Just keep moving

2011-03-17T01:31:00.004+08:00

And now all the choices are waiting,

the numbers massive like fishes in the ocean,

I found myself stranded on a beach

like a fat whale.

新气象

2011-03-07T04:34:00.005+08:00

新年都是假的。
（如日历一页页地剥落, 和死皮底下的那层皮）
在岁月的面前，不必虚伪
（省下假动作，低头就是）
未来的路，切记慢走
（别急，整条都是你的）
一切从来没有绝对
（绝对从来都不属于我们）
更何况一个独裁者的坚定
（事实如他的奄奄一息般脆弱）

最好不再见

2011-02-26T05:18:00.005+08:00

虽然你每天都在否定自己（你说你变了），

他终究还是认得你。在老地方。

以前你总偷偷地跟在他后面，你对他的背影已熟悉到 --

如今他不再穿运动鞋，你就立刻察觉到他矮了

他的头发长了，盖住他那双比别人小的耳朵

（所以你没在第一时间认得他）

他依旧带着名牌铁腕表

然而，也没然后了。

因为你对他的熟悉就到此为止。

十年了，其实他真的没必要记得你

（或许是你想多了，他只是好奇）

他记得你你会开始想念他的，

虽然终究是陌生人，

虽然你还没来得及想念，他又掉头离开了。

虽然心里感谢他，还记得保持你们俩最熟悉的距离。

她的改變

2010-12-05T18:17:00.008+08:00

词＋曲：雷光夏

她微笑关了窗 城市灯熄灭

她开始的旅行 奇幻又美丽

在夜的凤尾蝶 渴望那气味

预知的情节 她说你别跟随

这瞬间被建立的城市 是谁梦中片刻的意志

形状如此真实 回忆如此虚伪

你摧毁她经历的世界 或探索她已展开的边界

清晨苏醒之后 她已有了改变

这瞬间被建立的城市 是谁梦中片刻的意志

形状如此真实 回忆如此虚伪

你摧毁她经历的世界 或探索她已展开的边界

清晨苏醒之后 故事有了改变 她已有了改变

这半年来，一次又一次地翻出这张专辑来听。真的是一张很棒很棒的OST。

生活太消极沉默的时候，还是需要这样的音乐寻回存在的魅力。

So there

2010-10-30T03:52:00.004+08:00

Not knowing what one wants...is such a pain in the ass.

Knowing what one doesn't want doesn't count. They are just ideals.

Sometimes wanting the simplest of things, but they turn out the hardest to get.

Or wanting something so bad, but they are just not meant to be.

It's weird how we ought not be greedy, but still need to want something.

(even if someone says he wants nothing, he is still wanting something.)

Else you just keep losing, and letting time pass.

A life lived in vain.

失落

2010-10-20T02:52:00.006+08:00

好想大唱昇哥的成名曲。

把悲伤留给自己，也只能是这样了。

尽了全力换来意外的自由却又是那么的虚无，虚无得我只能不停地落泪。

比荒谬的失恋还狼狈。

最近 Recently

2010-09-18T03:27:00.013+08:00

前阵子忙到，真想把这里的墙纸换成一片杂草。

我的生活完全被布景设计的工作占据了。

整个过程领悟到的，除了队友，导师和老板的好，也就是自己的拙。

我真的拙到...我也不知道自己能怎样追得上。

但导师的话，让我常常听了有点感动。

导师是一个我刚开始很看不惯也听不惯的人，我跟我妈说他蛮像个疯佬（就套他的话说）

就是那种口无遮拦，让人摸不着头脑，但却又蛮有道理的人。

队员中我又是最不醒目的那个，

刚开始常被他骂臭头。

后来才发现下了马威，再加上重口味的苦口良药，

有被吓唬到。

头一次的设计经验，就是被他这样从头吓到尾完成的。

至于那些感人的话，大概就是现在开始还不是太迟之类的话。

因为自己已不再是十八九岁青春到极点的少女，

再看看身边和我妹年纪差不多大且前途无量的队友们...

不得不有所感慨。

＊＊＊

在社区演出期间，每场戏一结束即拆即搬，QL说论坛剧场就是要让观众知道台上演出的是 " just an illusion"，一切从开始到结束就不允许注入太多感情。哈...真潇洒。

那两个星期里在bukit gombak搬运道具的一个午夜我突然忘了自己在哪里，想了一下才记得我们在迁移中，不禁会心一笑想说，这真像旅行。

自从毕旅回来后，除了工作就不敢想下一次旅行这回事(穷透了)，但没想到恰恰因为工作而在岛上一游了。

胡闹

2010-07-19T00:18:00.012+08:00

我只记得自己每天不停地移动。

某天，当我把行李

再再一次扛上

某某宿舍的又一段

三层楼高的楼梯的时候，

行李带我一同坠落。

楼梯口处，

十五六七公斤重的垃圾筒正依偎在

垃圾堆的怀里。

毕业感言

2010-07-17T18:50:00.004+08:00

读书读了那么久仿佛就是为了等待这一天的到来，

说盼望，我从来都没盼望过。

说不舍，其实也没特别不舍。

做好心理准备就好。

只是，作为一个已算是正式独立的成年来说，

我一直问自己能够为这个社会贡献些什么？

看看自己半颓废的样子，

答案显然还未寻获。

流逝的

2010-06-20T01:13:00.038+08:00

要如何留住

今天的美好？

和要好的朋友散散步

和志同道合的同学烤烤肉

和惜爱的老师聚聚餐，

喝喝酒，聊聊天

海浪平静得不像海，又快想落雨的天空，紫红一片。

当我们活在青春的当下

任何地方都忍不住想沾染我们的美丽，

连那些最难受的三两事

都让人忍不住想忍一忍

我们都愿意等一等

“ 但是總有那麼一天

我們都會消失
留下的是關於這段日子
我們書寫彼此
在逗號之後句號之前
走到了比較靠近自己的那一邊”

所以就这样吧

关于一切流逝的凋零的

就这样都写下去吧。

我在hc312的从此以后

2010-06-02T19:25:00.005+08:00

第十五本书

要从何说起？我和他的故事。

从一本书吧。

有天他说要我帮他一起找一座坟墓。

他看我愣掉的样子哑然失笑，略带歉意地说是客户求助要我们帮忙找一本书。书名和作者不详，只记得一个情节：有个叫Celine的女孩到过一个坟墓。

书店里以Celine为女主角的书有三十二本，我们于是携手跳入了第一本书到了东京追随第一个Celine四处寻找完美的拉面。直到她自觉自己比较喜欢吃猪排咖喱饭的时候我们一边大笑一边跃进下一本关于Celine名牌包的历史。我们各自瑟缩在包包的一个暗格里听着听着都快睡着了。第三本是关于Celine Dion，我们开始哼唱我的心会一直走下去走下去……他说，
还好电影里玫瑰没选择陪葬，不然还真的像梁山伯与祝英台的爱情太老套了吧。

其实我觉得他们才厉害，两人怎么早就明白婚姻是爱情的坟墓这道理？

我忍不住想起身旁的他，我的上司。

平时抽烟的时候我们偶尔会在书店外的角落碰巧见面。他戴着一幅眼镜明明就是一幅很精明的样子，但偏偏在我面前他不是忘记带打火机就是连烟都忘了，这样的落差也是他让人难以摸透却又很吸引人的地方。别看他外表很犀利的样子，其实他也有感性的一面。他很会说故事的。每次我在抽烟的角落碰见他的时候，他总有办法让我听他说完他的故事才离开。

其实我也不知道他是不是在救我。

那时候我没钱去旅行，只好去书店打工，毕竟我视书如命，只要是和书有关的工作我都愿意做。但现实中两全其美的事哪会那么容易发生？打工的时候不可以看书，我只好用另一种方式和书保持亲密的接触。在目光拂拭着一套封面的同时，我的手指可以抚摸着、挑逗着一排排书脊，而鼻子触嗅的却是旁边一本新书的页边。我以为这样可以达到某种抚慰的作用，然而书身散发出的香气不停地引诱我把它们一本本一页页地掀开。无时无刻。

在书店里他是我的上司，我只能服从他的规矩与命令。在书店外，他可能想弥补我不能看书的遗憾而试着用他的故事填满我。他说起话来有板有眼，头头是道，由于我连插话的缝隙都找不到，我很快便成为他忠实的聆听者。听他说的话绝对是一种享受，但有时听着听着我在他的眼里找不到我自己。

我们之间的暧昧算什么呢？这个问题总会在这时候从脑海里跳出来。

我们读到第七本书的时候已很疲倦了，从书店走出来后才发现天已黑了很久很久。我们走到抽烟的角落去，他点起烟后依然保持沉默。或许他真的累坏了，我于是随意地说起话来。我告诉他我今早在地铁上的小插曲，最近看过的电影和我小时候的一些趣事。总之琐琐碎碎零零散散的，我还担心他没兴趣听下去，但他一直注视着我一脸很着迷的样子。我的心跳忍不住也跟着加速了。

我发觉自己烟抽得更凶了。书店太静，无论我怎样聚精会神地埋头工作，只要四周有稍微一点声音我都听得一清二楚。不只一次，我在整理书本的时候听见书页之间的低声细语。当我把耳朵凑近，那阵吱呜声又好像早已蒸发。书店一角的小咖啡馆里，咖啡机每天把咖啡豆磨啊磨，泡啊泡，整间书店连同书籍也都不知不觉地渗透了咖啡香。刚开始我以为那是幸福洋溢的气味，但无须多少时间我就发现咖啡香拈上衣衫不久后会变质。身上那股酸涩的、刺鼻的气味一直紧贴着我骚扰着我，像追踪者一样逼着我要时刻保持警惕与清醒。渐渐地，眼角仿佛因为白色灯管照得太用力而泛红，店里的人都像过度曝光的照片显得过于苍白。我只能不停地回想着那天和他说话的那一幕，他醉了般的样子。

我们读到第十三本书的时候还未找到那段情节。跳进第十四本的时候，我们都觉得坟墓一定会出现，因为十四十四，广东话谐音是实死。我们紧跟着Celine从威尼斯的大街走入人烟稀少的小教堂。果然够邪门，我们真的猜中了。书中的Celine带着新认识的男生到一座十三岁女孩的坟墓，那坟墓Celine十年前去过，而十年后她长大了女孩却永远都停留在十三岁。我们见证着他们的对话，我突然觉得一阵揪心。他凑近我然后牵起我的手，在我耳边说，我想我也找到了我的坟墓。

我们跃出第十四本书。

故事就在这里结束，反正目的已达到。我搁下手中的原子笔，看了看堆满了书的桌子，把写稿的本子合上。这样的爱情故事在书店里信手拈来。等这本书出版成书后，不知道他会不会有一天在书店很静的时候听见我的声音?

k.d. 说：爱情与故事同在，文本进出各自杜撰创作，结束的之前之后，皆是对于虚构的倾述和想象的补充，因为有一种距离必须远离，然后才能吊诡的靠近一点。书写正像是安排等待谈一场总有缺憾的恋爱，在萋草蜿蜒蔓延如文字欢欣繁衍的墓地，盼望见证某一次的死后和复生。

后记：最后一篇了。好想念这门课和老大。

Before I fly off

2010-05-08T04:28:00.011+08:00

Just here to say goodbye before I fly off for a couple of weeks to Taiwan.

Taiwan is a really charming and intriguing place. It is the kind of place I wished I was born in. (But I know I will think otherwise if I really was. ) I guess this happens no matter where I am. Still I am glad I am off again. Travelling does help in my search for answers. A couple of years back R asked me to write about travelling and I gave her my promise without hesitation only to realise I barely understood what travelling was all about. And so I still owed her my writing. I think the meaning of travelling, it changes all the time. Each time I watch a trip unravel itself before my eyes I thought I understood but only some time after it's over did a whole new meaning hit me right back.

I am learning so much more now that I have to get down to doing proper planning. My previous trip was such a guided tour I barely had to lift a finger. Lucky me. This time round, the trip being such a long one, has already taken its toll on me, right at planning stage. Firstly there is so much reading-up to do my head hurts. Secondly its against my nature to plan so it is painful tolerating the entire process. Luckily planning does help better fuel my travel fantasies.

I'll be moving around the entire Taiwan on a super tight budget (mum isn't too willing to lend me money) but I think I will enjoy all the scrimping. Travelling itself is already a luxury. I think too much indulgence will just make me sick. What I really need is a regular sleep routine, a lot of rest and being away from here.

Hope I have enough money to get presents for everyone. Will be truely bankrupt and unemployed when I am back. In the meantime, off to be sun-kissed ^^ ~~~

炎夏的小路

2010-04-17T03:23:00.003+08:00

我从远方的四季搬到这里，最炎热的夏天是在上中学的路上开始。

每天背着书包徒步上学像跋山涉水，先是穿过一片广阔的草地，用双手慌乱地往布满蜻蜓的前方撇出一条人行道，然后沿着大水沟拐进被两排独立洋房夹持着的倾斜小路。破晓后的早晨，簇簇树叶仍静静地打呼，露珠已悄悄溜到叶缘边，而在我额头上冒起的汗珠大概也和水沟里的蝌蚪一般大小了吧。

中学坐落在小坡上，借着斜坡的失衡昂头望去，我的学校在小路的顶端忽阴忽现，还有鱼肚发白的阳光啃食着屋顶的一角。放学的时候我喜欢等他一起走到丹那美拉地铁站。他是班上最高最瘦的男生，头壳上长满蓬松的发丝。走下斜坡的时候，一点风都没有，他的头发却怡然如乐谱里的豆芽符号跳动着。我总是以为在炽热的下午走在空旷的草坪上，有他陪在身边会凉快些，因为在我眼中他犹如一朵很高很高的蒲公英。然而一股接一股的热浪烤得我全身发烫。我的掌心潮湿得足以让脚下的石灰地蹦出一朵仙人掌花来。

后来大草坪要被开发成私人住宅，路旁的大树便越来越少，换而让一栋栋公寓不客气地刺入天空。树荫的稀薄如我们的肌肤一晒就受伤。在烧焦的日子里，头发注定以最快的速度遭殃，于是我只能一直流汗。渗透白色校服的汗水在烈阳下不停蒸发，泛黄的汗斑沾满曾经路过的途径。

就这样，最炎热的夏天于某个汗洒如注的下午在某条小路无疾而终，我亦然开始不那么讨厌这里的酷热，仿佛这盛夏般的气候会在来日换季之际消声匿影。

k.d说：炎夏之城一条上学下学的小路，错置在另一个季节的小女孩，慢慢走进了布满繁花盛草的风景。画面有风吹草低见牛羊的质感，旁落生活路边的心念心动极耐耐嚼，可是追忆后段有点缺裂，少了男生化成蒲公英的后续。文字风格一改过往，从冷透变为热稠，显然正在求变修炼。--修改分段。

后记：这段路大概是我在这里最暖的回忆吧。要不是老大在这里提到风格上的转变，我也大概不会意识到自己写的东西有多‘冷’ 呵呵！其实现实中我并不是那么冷的 :D

故事：半杯水

2010-04-04T03:50:00.004+08:00

旋转的杯口在水面划出了几个漂亮的圆圈，缓缓停下。空荡的房子里，她和摔倒的杯子和瘫在地上的半杯水，面面相觑。

破晓时分的柔光徐徐洒落房内，小水潭在晦黯静寂中闪烁着。她跪在小水潭前弯下身把脸凑近，在水中望见一张泪干的脸。

她以为时间会永远停留在昨天但太阳又再一次升起。她突然很想跳舞。

她站起来走到房中央，把双手抬起。头部自然地挺直起来，双眼平视前方。颈项不往前伸探，下巴不往下缩。双肩放松但稍向后收，腰部伸直。呼吸均匀深长，不憋气。双脚脚跟并拢成一字形，十只脚趾紧紧抓地。

深深地吸了口气，她的双膝弯下，做了两次Plié的半蹲动作再来一次Grand plié 的深蹲动作。然后小踢脚、空中划圈、脚回地面、小弹腿。接着大踢腿、移中心、旋转、双起单落跳。熟练的舞步轻盈得像蝴蝶拍翅，而她的呼吸依然深稳。在阳光渗透的空间里，她穿越轻与重的缝隙归返无边际的原野。

换了换双手的姿势，左右手一前一后地张开，她以Pas chasse的追赶动作展开下一系列的舞步。脚尖和地板的接触愈来愈频密，踢踏出让她怀念的韵律。她仿佛又听见了芭蕾舞老师一边打着拍子一边发出一连串的命令：

“Battement! Plié! Relevé!Tende jeté!Rond de jamb à terre!Temps lie!Pas jeté!Pirouette!En dehors!En l’air!C’est bon...Attitute!Grand jeté! Suivi…”

多么动人的声音，听来依然像首歌。

节奏转慢，接着她以一个Grand Jeté大跳越过时空。

芭蕾舞占据了她青春岁月里最重要的时光。从一开始花了四个月的时间才能完全掌握五个基本脚位和七个手位的基本姿势，到后来和认识的第一个要好的朋友一起苦练基本动作，和更后来跟隔壁班热恋的男生相约在空教室一起挑战高难度动作…加起来也算是她和芭蕾舞之间深远且缠绵的情缘。

她又一次旋转，小弹腿，再旋转。

但也不知道为什么，舞步和生活都注定如En croix交叉脚步动作般纠缠得错综迷乱。她一圈一圈地转着，眼花缭乱之余总有一片昏眩在后头等着。至于接下来发生的一切，她是完全失去操控的能力的。

然而在她清醒的最后一刻，她总不忘补上一句话：

“房子黑得让我窒息。”

“可房子就是我们的栖息地啊。”

眼前的黑深邃得像座山谷，迷离前她总听到这样的回音。

好长的一段时间，她穿梭于各式各款的房子，想必房子和主人可以一起征服。她以为当他在她体内的时候，彼此的身体能擦出点缀黑暗的火花。然而每晚趟在他身旁，除了感觉到床的沉重，他的打呼声也加剧了她的恐惧感。忍耐许久后，她还是离开了，独自一个人搬进一间没有主人的空房。

结果不久后，她开始头晕和呕吐。她原以为是自己的恐惧症在作祟，但三个月没来月经后，她知道是怀孕了。当晚她哭了一夜…

她以单脚旋转出一个完美的Fouettés en tournant。在《天鹅湖》中‘黑鹅’的单人舞完结部里，那段32个连续不断的Fouettés en tournant表现了人物的力量与胜利，让世人永远难忘。

当她终于停下脚步，外头正下着绵绵细雨。她弯身捡起杯子走到窗前，把杯子伸出窗外让雨水把空杯盛满。

她觉得自己胜利了。打从水离开水杯的那一刻，她惊然发现昨晚一直想着怀孕的事而不再怕黑。

k.d.说：从舞姿回旋觉悟生命延续的故事。跳舞的画面叠叠行进一气呵成，摇摆之间铺叙了舞者的另一场挥手移步，电影的视觉技法运用得炉火纯青。最后的定势漂亮，但杯子的借喻略俗，叙述有点顾此失彼，再倾斜一点会更好看。

后记：赶完毕业论文后立刻赶出来的故事。写得要命。若有多点时间，老大就不会有机会挑到这么多毛病。其实能在这么短的时间内赶出这样一篇文字，我已经觉得很侥幸。

一个时代的告别 -- 纪念巫校长

2010-03-17T20:34:00.027+08:00

若你问我学生生涯里最快乐的时光在哪里，我会告诉你，是在圣中。

刚踏入圣中的时候，就有一种安全感。这种感觉在小学的时候不曾有过，或许当时年纪小，学校的威严对小学生来说绝对是欺人的。六年里遇到的许多严师让我的精神常常处于紧绷的状态。不知道为什么，关于小一小二的回忆，都是暗暗湿湿的下雨天。甚至让我印象最深刻的小学回忆既是小一的时候，同学讲完鬼故事，我在雷电交加的下午独自一人站在有遮盖的地方，望着大草地寻找鬼的踪影。

然而，圣中不同。她矗立在小波上，总是阳光明媚的样子，这从我第一天踏入校门就没改变过。第一天的迎新会里，学长引领我们探索学校的各个角落，建筑物虽然陈旧却诉说着许多传说和历史。还记得那天班主任点名不久后便离去，只留下学长们继续照顾我们二三十个小瓜，那时候我真正感受到一股让我振奋的力量。那股力量并没有怂恿我去捣蛋，只是每天早上走在上学的路上，微微的斜坡除了逼出一身汗来，一路上广阔的草地倒让心情特别舒畅。

巫校长仍在圣中的时候，旧校舍还未遭拆除。我升中三那年有幸与旧校舍共度最后的时光。旧校舍的树特别多，每天进进出出旧校舍总会经过与路径并行的两排棕榈树。绿树成荫，也唯有那一年，白色校服能持续保持干爽的状态。我的课室在二楼，和树的高度差不多，闲暇间喜欢把目光瞥向窗外。酷热的阳光打在树叶上毫不饶人，然而反射的光依旧是柔和的。我坐在课室里，双脚下的石灰地板千疮百孔。我的鞋头扰乱了椅脚旁小坑里静默的尘土，心里莫名地感动起来。

那一年过得异常痛快。

巫校长离开的那一年，我大概是升中四了。不久后旧校舍被宣判正式老去，搬迁那天我在二楼看着楼下涌动的人群，像一批批棕榈果等待装入纸皮箱然后运送到，我们崭新的货柜课室去。

我们开始过着不开窗的日子。窗外没有树，但面向旧校舍，有空的时候我还是偶尔看看那显得落寞的老地方。有一天我从窗口看见铲土机出现在旧校舍旁，没两下旧校舍就化为乌有，从那天起我失去了望向窗外的动力。

后来，我也渐渐忘了货柜课室有窗口，只记得那不透风的箱子里总有一股冷冷清清湿湿发霉的气味弥漫着。

恋身体

2010-03-17T20:26:00.004+08:00

＊写阴道，的确是受到李邪《阴道独白》的启发。

没答应你一座玫瑰花园

她的阴道，像一个由她精心打造的秘密花园，宁静等待主人来日带着爱人进入游玩。

那阴毛，乌黑柔顺，她有空就会拿起小剪刀修剪，或抹上精油滋润。裙摆上夏花飘过双腿间，一片姹紫嫣红。半透明的蕾丝内裤里，阴柔是花园里的一片，若隐若现的叶子。

曾经他的食指和中指轻轻拨弄过这片叶子。指尖从叶子顶端顺落，停歇在微翘的末端，搔得她心痒痒。他望着微微张开的两叶小巧的阴唇，没说话。蛇探出头来，好奇地游过蜿蜒的裂缝，贪婪地吞食吹弹可破的嫩白，留下了一道湿滑的光泽。

她望着充满欲念的双眸，没说话。她只想起洗澡时花洒拍打下体的快感，和电影里男女做爱时听起来很撩人的吟叫声，然后借他的舌舔了舔残留些许口红底下，粉红剔透的双唇。

他于是抓着她的手抓起他的阴茎，使劲地一下一下往下搓，直到这动作的节奏和他的喘气声一唱一和。阴茎趁休止符的静止划过她的背脊深入股沟，拍子继而在她体内律动且蔓延。一插一抽，一插一抽，一把屠刀落在肉团上。他闭上眼昂起头，吟叫声卡在喉结边缘荡漾。

而当他正沉溺于静与动的音律，她终于听见，处女膜破裂的回声穿透全身将她撕成两半。

抽出后，他爬起来近观她的阴道。阴道的小口受尽委屈似的抽泣着，呜呼呜呼地上气不接下气。突然一阵恶心涌上，小口吐出满口精液。他望着眼前的她，这才觉得她真正被他占有。

她瘫在床上，双脚依然张开。阴道像一只割了喉的鸡，哑然无语，血滴声暗示着唯一的生命痕迹。他突然想起什么似的，皱着眉头对她说，鸡败，刚才干嘛没叫。

阴蒂漠然不应。

自从那个第一次，她的阴道渐渐长出了刺。他的背上开始浮现出细细密密的齿痕，像条轨道。颈项的吻痕，铁红色的玫瑰，弥漫着血腥的芳香。他的手指伸入娇嫩的花瓣，享受着青春的质感，在往上游走的时候竟然撞见她的手指正按着花蕊。他望着她的手指触碰着、摩擦着，以最温柔的力量撩起她深处最高不可攀的波澜。

以近乎无的，所有的力量。

而当他想接近，他的手指却踩到一根刺，痛得他欲罢不能。

倘若那一天他真踏进了花园，他必定会听见激情的呻吟在花园中奏起。

k.d 说：有齿有刺阴道的身体。女人的心思和下体暗藏杀机，身体的蜕化实是人和性的激化。描述毫无掩饰，是赤裸裸的拳拳到肉，荡漾迷乱的隐喻穿插于曲折的叙事，钻到了人性最隐蔽之处。写实写意写身体写性写性别，从男到女，从头到脚，从白描到对白，从开题到结尾，都几乎无懈可击。

后记：很久没更新，因为实在太忙了。

A word of thanks

2010-02-25T22:59:00.005+08:00

I better do well for my fyp. Friends are all lending me support and helping me in some ways or others, sometimes I can't help but feel that this fyp is actually a work of friendship.

Mad touched. Even the above is helping me now that I am left with a little more than a week to struggle to work out a miracle.

I will thank all of you my friends by not letting you down.

Sigh and sigh again

2010-02-24T23:11:00.033+08:00

Came back from Coffin.

Left for the play with high anticipation given her proven abilities in VaginaLogue and House of Sins.

Came back in disappointment.

Her deconstruction chops back in VaginaLogue were impressive. I thought she could have done more in volume and depth since she was doing the same for Coffin, or so I thought. But it was just more of an add-on...a bigger cast, more humour, more plot, more stylized.

Pardon me for saying this but I felt like I was sitting through a Jack Neo movie. The little flying dagger reminded me of the arrows used in Just Follow Law and a Brand's chicken essence ad, and I don't think it's a parody of them.

Easy digs on the government could have been reserved for Newsbusters, because Kuo's script was so much heavier.

Despite the surrealistic atmosphere and the extremely realistic set, I couldn't help but feel detached because most of what I saw was so familiar or even expired. It also reminded me that what the original script has been driving at had already been driven at by many other people in many other ways during these 26 years after its creation, perhaps that can explain the exhaustion felt in this particular remake.

26 years later and we are still dealing with the same old problem, this is our sad fate.

Actor/actresses wise, XiAi was commendable but someone did repeatedly distract me with her trifling acting. Though I believe she has her reasons. The occasional unevenness in pace and lack of rapport became glaring perhaps because the intended comical effects were not brought across.

I actually feel bad from having to give such negative feedbacks but my disappointment is greater than my sense of guilt.

Though on a lighter note I did really love the transformation of the theatre studio and the ending was quite powerful, typical LX style (which I like). Also the attempt to stretch to the present context deserves a nod.

But still, what a waste.

funny dream

2010-02-21T15:26:00.006+08:00

I had a funny dream last night. It reflected accurately my recent desires.

I dreamt of Aliah, this unbelievably cute toddler who lives next door. I once secretly took a picture of her when her maid left her by the door. It is now my handphone wallpaper. From then on, I tried to take pictures of her again but it seemed impossible. I hardly see her, much less see her alone. Aliah is growing up every single day and eventually one day, she won't look so adorable anymore. Somehow I have a feeling that I will miss the chance to watch her grow up because I am a nobody to her, even though I am a stalker living just next door.

And so in my dreams last night, Aliah was a little older and even had a playmate. They were running out of her house and I got them to come in. I said to Aliah "Come, take photo with me" and carried her in my arms. She was so light despite looking like a five year old. My parents were around and helped me take lots of pictures of us.

I also dreamt that I ate the last box of mango pudding collons, which I swore to my sister not to touch since I have been taking more than I should.

Felt sad again when I woke up.

我看见：看图写作

2010-02-21T15:14:00.003+08:00

菲，梦中人

窗帘像座雨林，却阻挡不了从外头渗透进去的阳光。也可能是，她会发亮。

自从主人的女友离开后，房子就一直陪着主人哭泣和失眠，四面墙都失去了光泽。

或者只是房子渴望见到光。

她每一次的神出鬼没，都让房子的水龙头忘了滴泪。看着她忙碌的身影，水声潺潺地流露出久违的痛快。

她每一次的突袭都带来新的事物取代一点回忆。于是鱼缸找回了鱼，肥皂不再减肥，玩具飞机又开始练习起飞。

偷偷被闯入的感觉，察觉与未察觉之间，惊喜躲在角落却像被掀了盖的可乐忍不住蔓延。

几年后，她躺在沙发上，抬起头望着手中的飞机，回想起加州的梦。

画面朦朦胧胧仿佛镜头积了一层尘埃，但斑斓的色彩依旧在脑海里舞成一团。

她还记得，只要有钥匙就能穿梭任何空间。那时候所有人都尽情活在梦中，做任何事都不需要逻辑或借口，就如她每天把California Dreaming开到很大声，什么事都不用想，或者因为一首歌而决定去加州。

大概是知道这样的日子是有限期的。

如今呢？她放下了飞机。阳光不再刺眼，她也不再戴墨镜。

k.d 说（看到了图片里的浮光掠影。房间是寂寞和狂欢的归宿。以电影片段切入，但文字未能一镜到底，叙述和氛围都有缺裂和空隙，局部尚算精彩，如王家卫后期的许多电影。）

写后感：写不出什么的一篇。没写好。但趁机重温《重庆森林》阿菲和663的部分，对王菲的爱又更深厚了。

我爱你: 笑言

2010-02-14T03:00:00.003+08:00

还记得在高铁站你对我笑的那一刻，我因为一份熟悉而感激，而感动。

你的笑让我想起在西门町遇到的小吃店老板娘。我一踏进空荡荡的店里便和她的笑颜撞个正着，像午后跳动的光，灿烂得叫我不敢直视。随后递上的一碗甜不辣不知道为什么，吃起来又酸又苦，吃到我很想哭。在台北的日子里，好久没有人这样对我笑。

那天你骑着机车带我到处乱窜。远方的小红球发射的热能凝聚在我们的颈上又如聚光灯在追逐。我慌了想找个缝隙跳进去但这时你踩了踩油门，一阵凉风迎面而来我们轻松摆脱。星期天的马路和所有人一起放假，空荡得让我不禁大喊好宽敞好宽敞。我张开了双手然后看着它们往两旁伸展仿佛就快碰到边缘。我们在大街小巷转圈圈圈圈顺滑得可以反光，因为我们不曾被任何一盏红灯打断过。我们驶过了梦时代为了摩天轮随着机车的加速像烟火般散开而感叹然后陷入沉默。我的目光再次停顿在马路上，原来两个人骑在机车上的影子没有一点重量。

我们总把安全帽的眼罩盖上以防万一，其实很滑稽。因为说起话来不清不楚，眼神的交流都是路过的风景，而那些没说出口的始终清晰得不必说出口。戴安全帽只是不想冒险就如当初你告诉我你不打算结婚，而我回答说我也不想再谈恋爱。

我们都明白此刻骑在机车上我们所说的任何一句话都和夕阳的柔光一样随着机车的前进而流逝。于是在我们拐进下一段路在转角消失之前，我笑了笑对你说不如我们在机车上谈一场恋爱吧。

k.d.说（爱情像公路电影只要有一条长长的马路就够了的感觉。在异乡总想谈一场恋爱和喝一杯番茄汁，因为害怕孤单也因为路遥遥口渴的关系。文字轻飘飘似有若无而有速度一眨眼就会消失不见正像爱情的时间。风景的比喻描绘一路上随处信手拈来，唯一的颠簸好像就剩题目。）

写后感：为配合情人节才拖到现在上载。大家新年快乐，有情人的，就情人节快乐！

Lost years

2010-02-07T16:31:00.008+08:00

It took many years for our past to unravel themselves

into a lake of clear water

which we scoop up with cupped hands

drip drop by drop

read each taste and aftertaste

and find it pure as ever but greying.

Years passed and I left much void in between,

never to be filled again.

But this year by this lake (and every year after)

candles I will light for you

it seems important suddenly though

贵人

2010-02-05T02:40:00.012+08:00

有时候觉得人类虽然注定无法得到救赎但我们未必就此活得毫无希望。

至少我是这么认为。

因为每当我彷徨无助想呐喊却叫不出声的时候，都会有人出现拉我一把

仿佛有幕后主脑在默默操控与安排

而且事实证明他们日后在我生命中都扮演起重要的角色。

是好是坏也好，是长是短也好

都是注定的缘分，我无力抵挡

无论如何我总觉得自己是幸运的。

今天我又有这样的感觉了。

我记得：疯狂是童年

2010-02-03T19:31:00.003+08:00

我的家像马戏团。

小时候觉得，马戏团老土得要死，我只看电视。

早上看教育台节目，中午追旧连续剧（还有梁朝伟哥哥），下午方太教煮菜。看完晚间新闻后，天气预报仍不放过。

日子悠悠长，我和电视机总赖在一起，仿佛已打算共度余生。我阿妈看到我只会摇头说，你这个衰女，好像不像，像你阿嬷。

我阿妈说我阿嬷喜欢看电视，但我阿嬷每天还要打麻将预防老人痴呆，偶尔也找我阿妈练习张牙舞爪，哪会有时间定下心，坐下来，看电视。

每隔几天，我阿嬷就要练练虎口功。阿嬷的功夫了得，练得出神入化，练到她真以为自己是老虎。

每隔几天，我阿嬷练练虎口功，便会老虎上身，对着我和我阿妈虎视眈眈。我阿妈是她儿子的老婆，要人头当然先要她的。我阿妈说，算命佬说，出嫁后会有小人纠缠十年。我没眼看，回过头，看电视。我阿妈说过，这就是她的命。

我阿妈叹了口气，合上眼，然后两排利牙便刺入她白嫩嫩的颈。虎口阖上，鲜血欲滴。老虎上身的阿嬷好兴奋，四肢舞动，兽性的瞳孔像在宣布胜利。随后虎头一晃，阿妈惨叫，双手随着身体疯狂地摇摆，血花满地绽放，灿烂耀眼。

练习完毕，老虎一吼，我阿妈滚到地上，再爬起来说，我受不了了，我要去死，然后拉着我夺门而出，胸罩也没穿，钥匙也没带。我阿嬷紧跟在后头，追着我阿妈喊，你敢去死，我先死再说，我的钥匙也没带出来。

我阿嬷和我阿妈和我，在走廊拉拉扯扯，好不容易扯到楼梯口。我阿嬷按下电梯按钮，拉着我说要带孙女去楼顶跳楼。原来要带我练习空中飞人。我跟我阿嬷说，我没兴趣，我想快点回家，我听人家说电视机开太久没人看会爆炸。我越想越急，哭了起来。我阿嬷得意地说，你看，好孙不想我去死。电梯门口打开，十对眼睛望出来。我想着家里的电视机，很想去死。

后来，我阿嬷和我阿妈都不去跳楼了，她们牵着我的手，搭电梯落街，找铁匠阿伯开锁。

后来，我阿嬷闹跳楼，我阿妈都懒得理她。我阿爸还以为我阿妈对我阿嬷不好，跟我阿妈说，我屌你老姆。我阿妈不慌不忙，边看着电视边回敬他，死佬，要屌就屌你自己老味。

后来，没有人再闹跳楼。我阿嬷和我阿爸断绝母子关系，我阿嬷独自返港。我也不再担心电视机会爆炸。

当年我阿嬷老虎上身，我阿妈常说，再忍一下，再忍几年，忍多几年就是十年了。

每每想起，那十年，不长不短，而我和我阿妈都已熬过来了，这么久。

k.d.说（文字在看似闲逸随性的举手投足之间，就把整个精彩和热闹无比的童年尽速快播，叙述淋漓尽致似乎无需喘息，当中有三代人的兽性纠葛和一个俗世家庭的生存原理，以及一种粤语残片最精华的淬炼。）

后记：写得很愉快的一篇

我爱你...代序

2010-02-02T03:30:00.003+08:00

亲爱的...

2010-01-24T23:10:00.006+08:00

亲爱的母亲，

我五六年级的时候，老豆返港工作，屋子里剩下我们三母女。那时候我还小，不知道原来那对你来说打击好大。

你心情差，在这里的几个朋友，有麻烦才会找你，你无人倾诉。那时候我正处于发育期，心情也很差，好想找人谈心事。于是，我们开始常常聊天，一聊就聊好久。

在我和你的小世界里，你常跟我诉说着许多回忆。你总会回想起你在山上的童年，下山做打工仔的日子，年轻时去过的趴地。还有，那些追求你的男生，那个追到你的男生，以及之后那折腾人的嬷嬷。

每一次，你带着我穿越时光隧道，回到一个和我们说着相同语言的地方。这时候，我才会觉得我们没那么孤独。

是那时候，让我意识到世界上既然存在着一个人，那么有耐心地和我说话，那么坦率地让我接近。我也开始觉得，如果能有一个人让我愿意花这么多时间去聆听和认识，这个人必定是母亲。

我曾经因为不知道自己是谁而感到焦虑。但认识你之后，我的心踏实了些。

我知道，你以后会回去的，这里没什么太让你留念。至于我，未来是个未知数，但它是唯一一个我能走向的方向。

k.d的评语（离乡女儿写给准备还乡的母亲的一封信。文字里有一种笃定安稳的节奏，就像母女两人之间的心照不宣，凝固了一种淡而有味的哀矜。小声的倾述，安静的体贴，茫然的折返，是对母亲的感念也是对家乡的惦记。简单之中有耐嚼的特质。母亲下山一节的描述，所谓的言简意赅，不外乎如此。）

后记：写得很艰难的一篇，因为不喜欢写信，但还是硬挤出来了。自己是觉得写得不太好，但可喜的是写完之后，我找回了久违的声音。第二篇故事已完成了 :)

Voice lost and found

2010-01-23T19:56:00.004+08:00

Decided to take up the creative writing module this semester coz this is going to be my last, though I wasn't feeling confident about being to write well. I have not written for ages. And my writing is pretty average. True enough, for the first lesson I had to write a letter and the thing is, I hate writing letters. I find letters hard to write coz letters have to be written for a specific person and for a reason, at least for me. And letters are personal. I don't like to expose the letters I write. So, as expected, I have a hell of a time trying to write a letter, to my mother. I was the last one to hand up my work, I was a day late. LOL. Thank goodness Laoda is the lecturer and he's very understanding, as usual.

During lecture, he went through every single writing, and I was the last one. I was so tired towards the end of the lecture that I couldn't pay attention to his comments when my letter was flashed out. Alright, he gave mostly positive comments and it was very very encouraging. So encouraging that I had an adrenaline rush and started to think of ideas for my next piece on my way home. And the next day, I popped out my second piece. Haha. I have never ever done homework this fast. The second writing is on childhood, and I am totally excited!! I was euphoric while writing, coz I finally found back my voice.

So one piece of good news is that this place is going to be updated more regularly, as compared to the past few barren months. But, all writings are in chinese la...

Can't wait for fyp to be over! I need to start reading again so I can learn more techniques...I haven't read non academic writing for ages.

I miss my friends so much!!

2010-01-08T04:06:00.008+08:00

After living like a mute for 2 weeks, I am finally starting to have proper conversations like a normal person. How I missed exercising my mouth!

First of all, I miss talking to my mum! yesterday was a record high for the numbers of hours we talked -- 6 hrs in total. I was completely exhausted by midnight. (when it was normally the time I am most awake)

And the meet-up with Char and Joyce was enjoyable as usual. No matter how we change as time goes by, I will always love catching up with them, even if I could just listen since I have nothing to update on my side.

And Charmaine, she is the best listener in the world! I finally had a long conversation with her today. I miss her so much!!

I miss my relatives too, even though they are so far away. Being alone all these while made me yearn for true rowdiness which can only be felt with relatives.

Okay, I am just randomly ranting coz I feel so much love for them and I want to express how I feel. So if you can't stand mushy posts, I assume you would not have read till the end :)

Actually I miss everybody, as long as you are human, you have been missed by me.

新的一年，我们要快乐

2009-12-31T03:07:00.020+08:00

我和你，隔着一条河。对岸正燃烧着，你站在岸前却没喊救命。烈火伸出舌头想把你吞噬，你吓得转过身，抱紧自己。河刮起巨浪，欲把你卷走。而你，始终选择背对着我。

我只能眼睁睁地盼着浪花赶紧把火熄灭。

我多想救你。可惜我不是英雄，也不是水。

为什么人能以毒攻毒，以牙还牙，但我们不能以火救火？

我多么希望有一天，我们突然发现我们只是彼此的阳光。

新的一年里，我和你该学会好好相处。

愿我们不再隔岸观火。

Happy New Year

Something joyous for the season

2009-11-24T22:34:00.007+08:00

Many say, Singaporean artistes don't last long, with exceptions so few you can count with your nostrils, one of which is Budak Pantai which has lasted 15 (!) years and they aren't even a professional a cappella group! Nor do they come in top in the voice or looks compartment. But they really are a bunch of very funny men, and I suspect this is the reason behind their longevity.

I first heard of them about 7 years ago, and I was very very impressed after listening to them, not in The Beatles kind of way but because I couldn't stop laughing.

I was at Starbucks last week and was slightly surprised to find their latest album at the counter. They actually had a Starbucks tour (they Starbucks-hopped throughout Singapore in 3 days ) about a month ago!

Wanted to stab myself for missing it. But I shan't.

I have already over-stabbed myself for missing out on so many things this year.

They like to mix and match pop songs of various languages (like typical Singaporeans) and ta-da! you get a true blue Singaporean remix. Recently they even sang about current affairs like Pedra Branca and err... why should men have nipples.

I was so overjoyed listening to them these few days that I sorta understudied for my exams.

Lastly they are having a concert at the Esplanade on the 17th & 18th of Dec (That was also why they had the tour). If you want to support something local this christmas, then this is a good choice :)

(click to enlarge )

绝对

2009-11-20T01:48:00.026+08:00

现在听音乐，已经不敢放狠话。烂音乐归烂音乐，但很多时候有一些歌刚开始听的时候，你无法形容它。你只能说‘没感觉’，不过这并不代表它难听或好听。（虽然我总喜欢一言以蔽之地说：难听。我是很肤浅啦...怎样？）也许，没有难听的音乐，只有（在错的时间）听错的音乐。

比方说，卢广仲，刚开始不喜欢，尤其是在《好想要挥霍》的时候飙了个海豚音，听得我浑身鸡皮疙瘩，再听同一首歌的时候是很久以后的事。

后来，不排斥了。那时候的旅行，让我太想念台湾，拼命地想找回在那里的感觉。什么感觉？就是很开心很阳光很纯粹很台的异国情调。结果，偏偏就只有卢广仲这家伙能满足我。

现在他的歌我喜欢，但已不是好不好听的关系，而是因为某个回忆赋予它的另一层意义。人复杂的地方就在这里吧？他的喜欢不是绝对的，没有人能猜得透。戏剧张力来自于此吧？人生如戏，也是因为每个人在生活中都是演员，每个人都是复杂的。

但没有这种复杂的喜欢不喜欢的，做人虽然坦然多了，也沉闷多了... 谁叫我们天生爱互文？

所以像 ‘没有______的什么，只有______的什么’ 这样的句式，很好用，因为它是绝对中的最不绝对。

凡事没有绝对啊...尤其是对读文科的人来说。

哈，兜来兜去，为什么又提到卢广仲？因为人家第二张专辑都出了，我今天才在CasualPoet买了他的《100种生活》的专辑。重点是，本来想写些什么纪念在CP的最后一天，不过现在只能把这当作是我纪念CasualPoet的怪咖方式。Paiseh 啦，迟些再写个正式的不离题的post。

诶，不过现在你就知道卢广仲对我来说又多了一层意义了。

Auvoir, casualpoet!

2009-11-17T20:16:00.014+08:00

Casual poet is closing tomorrow.

not feeling sad, coz I believe better things will come.

And also because, c'est la vie~

I can only wish Rebecca all the very best and thank her for all the wonderful memories there.

Casual poet meant so much to me. It opened at the same time when a new chapter began in my life.

It was a time of new-found freedom and expression and I was so happy and curious about everything. I started searching like crazy for somewhere to belong.

And guess what?

I found ntu doc. I found casualpoet.

The rest of the story, is --

Good times always end too fast,

My days in ntu are ending. so is casualpoet.

It cannot be more timely than this.

Nevertheless, what a good way to end a chapter

Everything ends together so we can start over again.

Like the seasons :)

我们后会有期吧

(my heart is slowly swelling as I am writing this ha... those were the good old days i can never go back to...and christmas (meaning the end of the year) is here again.)

赤子、80后

2009-11-01T18:30:00.032+08:00

最近萱萱出的《赤子》专辑，名字就很吸引人。赤子，会让人想起纯洁、简约和白色，也让人想起那一份最初的美好。赤子听起来应该是怎样的？是一种回归到最自然的纯朴音乐风格？还是很纯粹的自我表达方式？

《赤子》的专辑封面，萱萱顶着白金短发走Andro风格，像个漂亮的看不出性别的孩子（不就和天使一样吗？）。身后有草原，让人感觉有无限的可能性、美好和自由，也正是100％乐团追求的精神。

第一次听《赤子》的时候，有点意外，因为和心中期待的不太一样。当初，范晓萱&100%的风格是比较直接的流行摇滚，现在多了复古和电子乐的元素，霎听之下，还有一点电玩音乐的感觉。

但后来发现《赤子》不应该带着纯粹想听摇滚发泄情绪的心态去听，因为它不是阳刚的摇滚。它阴柔的一面，需要你细腻咀嚼，但它的冷静却又具有理性的批判。它呈现的是一种赤子般雌雄同体的状态。它好玩、但不失感性。它有黯淡的夜，但也有快乐的当下和明天。它明白快乐背后的痛苦，它多了经历。它的歌不专属与他或她，而是‘我们’。

而且，《赤子》玩的复古风让我感到惊喜，它的复古已更新了。它不是只能提供想像空间的典型60年代姚苏蓉式复古。听《赤子》多了亲切感，因为唱的是我们。毕竟复古也有分不同年代，而《赤子》也算是结合了较贴近我们这个年代音乐上的共同经验。

没想到，我们80后也开始有点历史，也开始拥有专属80后的复古了。有了这样的复古，总算真正有资格可以sentimental，可以look back and feel good，可以和被人嗤之以鼻的emo划清界限。当然，这是不是好事就由你自己决定吧。

我听歌一向喜欢把声量调得敢死的高，但某日因为四周很安静而调低了声量，结果发现《赤子》轻声听更适合...

80后，听音乐不再只是为了宣泄，也开始懂得什么叫回味。

我们升级为主人了。

奇怪的问题

2009-10-22T01:42:00.019+08:00

今天在很偶然的机会之下看到了一位久违的朋友的博客，读着他以前还在学校的点滴，突然很想念他，也很想念那些很久没见的朋友，即是我多数的朋友。

今天也收到另一位很久没见的朋友的简讯。我知道她近况不太好，但她不知道我知道，所以只能很无奈地叫她take care。

今天还帮一位好朋友庆祝生日，终于是由我来主办聚会。最大的感慨除了很高兴朋友玩得开心，也觉得自己应该好好珍惜所有的朋友。这一年来，我的忙碌常常变成一种借口，让我基本上和所有人疏远了，甚至对人产生冷感。听起来很夸张，但事实上，我快变成外星人了。再这样下去，我真的可以很乐意地自己一个人飞到外太空过独居生活。

所以如果你觉得我最近很冷漠，这不是错觉，而且社交这回事我有点提不起劲。

也许一部分的我受到外界许多负面的影响，像是在证明我对人的想法是对的。

人真该死，就算只是吃了肉或用了方便筷。

我知道这是个很奇怪的问题，但怎样才能让我对人类再次燃起爱的火花？

恋之风景

2009-10-19T01:39:00.005+08:00

今天借着聚会的机会从牛车水步行到city hall，虽然天气有点热，但心里还是很爽,毕竟真的太久没有用看风景的心情走路了～

其实我一直都想有一天来个漫游小岛之旅，在这个很现实的地方寻找不现实的角落，在这片喧嚣中寻找很实在的宁静。

就如《练习曲》的环岛单车之旅，主角带着微笑在花莲的马路上骑着单车，旁边是山和海。当时看到他脸上的平静，我还在乱糟糟的房间里哭了起来。

你很羡慕他这一趟旅程获得了很多新发现－－那地方的历史，别人的历史，他自己的历史。那你呢？你会发现什么？可能是一些新的建筑物，或是些新奇事，或是些新鲜人。你会不会开始觉得，人造的东西不再真实？我们的话语太过务实？我们太执着于没原则的改变？

可能不会，我可能在半途中自问，为什么自己越走越烦？然后叹口气很sian地跳上无所不在的地铁回家去。

再新的风景，美是美，好是好，但不一定美好... ...

winter in advance

2009-10-13T22:46:00.006+08:00

Nothing is going on other than work work work.

I don't even dare to go for a movie.

It's so scary when I have to face FYP in the face -- no buffer, no other little projects to divert my attention, the only way to go is head on. Ironically, here I am procrastinating, for the past week. This big thing is so hard to dive into. If you know what I mean...

As you can see, I hardly blog nowadays so as to spare you all my negativities and whining.

In the meantime, the blogger in me will be in hibernating/having writer's block/running out of time...what have I?

Till the sun shines again, Ciao!

P.S. take care my friends :)

Thought of the day

2009-09-23T02:39:00.009+08:00

Can I tell you how often this thought flips through my mind?

Every day, every ten minutes.

"I just want to get away from here."

This will then prompt an automated response,

" Things will get better "

I wish I am half as optimistic as I sound.

关语

2009-09-15T00:09:00.006+08:00

现在的我只能说，像只被三条绳子往三个不同方向拉扯的马尸。

就在今天，想着即将来临的星期四，想着那耗尽我体力的搬运工程－－我好想举白旗。

我打从心底佩服那些把青春奉献给戏剧幕后工作的舞台监督们，这份工作好吃力，尤其对女生来说，尤其是当舞台是在烈日当空下。

加上。。。

昨天收到关的电邮，说为什么我没去见她。我完全忘了有这回事啊。而且电邮是她在星期三发的，我迟了足足5天才回复她。她可要把我宰了。

可是她没有。她的回复很简单，只说不要紧，叫我继续努力。

我顿时只能，非常感动。

我想，是的，为了这句简单的体谅的话，我会继续努力。

在疲惫不堪的时候，感谢她的每句话语，无论是鼓励与否，都是一种安慰，给予我前进的力量。

过日子

2009-09-07T02:29:00.013+08:00

生活　梦想　现实　堕落　背叛　坚持

了解　想念　遮掩　冷漠　逃避　误解

沉淀　纠结　冷静　困顿　疯狂　无力

唱歌　跳舞　喝酒　抽烟　咖啡　做梦

专心　走路　吃饭　感觉　身体　说话

sometimes 傻笑　迟钝 sometimes 骄傲　不屑

sometimes 孤单　疲倦 sometimes 活着 its OK

sometimes 犯错 its OK sometimes 耍赖 its OK

sometimes 生气 its OK sometimes 呼吸　就够

xxxXxxx

巴奈的音乐很minimalist，很直接，很坦诚。坦诚到给人赤裸的感觉。

听她的歌让人更有勇气去面对生活和未来，

因为生活是可以回归到最简单的。

我也想摆脱自己的虚荣和骄傲，很纯粹地呼吸和微笑。

年龄与时间

2009-09-05T01:10:00.006+08:00

也许我把他们美化了，
毕竟我们的年龄差太远了。
今天是他们最后一次在四楼排练。
排练完毕，其中几位显得依依不舍，赖着不走。
本来我不明白他们为什么不肯走。
后来我回想他们排练的情形，他们的年轻，他们的热情。
他们玩游戏的时候，都像小孩一样嘻嘻哈哈
不停地笑，不停地叽叽喳喳
很单纯很单纯的快乐。
其中一个游戏只需要他们彼此拥抱，他们就走到哪里抱到哪里，
还有人送吻
场面的温馨可想而知。

然后我不禁又想起他们的年龄。
他们都说Age is nothing，
但不知道‘这可能是最后一次’的念头是否曾在他们脑海里闪过。

Grey

2009-09-02T02:45:00.003+08:00

Greyness.
The sun shines so hard and yet you remain cold to touch.
The rain keeps pouring, yet you bear no tears.
Perhaps you are just a slab of cold concrete, waiting to be torn.
And my being of help is to be helpless.
Trapped in this timeless flow, waiting for an end.
there are no answers, just empty promises.

You taught me this tongue,
to learn of our betrayals
and by doing so
you grant me the strength to fly.

From Alfian Sa'at's interview

2009-08-23T19:54:00.010+08:00

What is the "best thing" that you think that Singapore has got going for her? How good is Singapore's "best thing" in keeping Singaporeans happy and contented?

Its youth. I've seen stuff on the Internet, ranging from personal diaries and forums, where I see a beautiful restlessness at work. And I see it existing despite a growing cynicism, no thanks to the government's increasingly strident attempts at self-justification ('we had a robust debate, now let's move on') and ironically, National Education (many youths I talk to can readily see the propaganda it is, and deeply resent such overt indoctrination and trespass into their mental space). I have hope in them, and I hope that even when they're dismissed, accused as being selfish or demanding, they'll still keep up the fight: the spirit of naive enquiry, the insistence on independent thought. Why is Malaysia so upset about reclamation on Pulau Tekong? Start considering that Tekong is a military island. How innocent is it to have it reclaimed all the way just at the edge of the territorial seazone border? If it was Sentosa we're reclaiming into Malaysian waters, there might not have been such a hue and cry, and maybe Malaysians would be happier, knowing that tourists on the kitschy over-manicured island can look across to Johor and decide it's much more happening up north. Why the fuss over water rates? Because there's this thing called inflation. There are two sides to every story.

I say all this, because I'm throwing in the towel, and the fact that I see so many passionate young people around would mean that the cause will continue. Like I said, I'm tired. In 5 years' time, I hope to emigrate out of Singapore. I hope to live the rest of my days in Kuala Lumpur, which for me is a city which hasn't yet committed itself to profanations of myth and memory--which still respects its monuments and its history. Whenever I'm in KL, I see what Singapore could have been if it had a human face. Living in Singapore is becoming more intolerable by the day--the kinds of graceless vanities I see around me, the crass materialism, the fact that the main expression people have, as a friend pointed out, is the Scowl--a sign of deep resentment, a proud people's defence mechanism against all the obscene disenfranchisements they have been subjected to. I wrote in a play recently, a line that sums up my feelings about this place: 'If you care too much about Singapore, first it'll break your spirit, and finally it will break your heart.'

Hmm, this reasonates with how I have been feeling about this place recently. Some parts of Alfian's reply, I have no right to agree or disagree because he loves this place much much more than me, but then again, for political and apolitical reasons, I know my dissatisfaction stems from this arrogant self-satisfaction, rather than from inferiority complex because it's small. Three years in university has led me to realise how marginal a position I am/have always been in, and that's how I will be for the rest of my life, if I spend it here.

Somehow, the more I know of this place, the more I need to alienate myself in order to still see its goodness. I need to turn to materialism to feel that I am taken care of. But, you know what, how long can that last? Being 'poverty-stricken' for the past year made me realise how much I don't need and what I can do without.

问题

2009-08-20T02:19:00.006+08:00

有问题的时候别人总会教我 “要想要想”
于是我想啊想凭着丰富的想象力越想越焦虑
问题解决不了他们就耸耸肩说 “等咯”
于是我等啊想啊神经都差点断掉
要等的话，什么都不能想
有时候问题的答案真的只是个‘信’字
信什么其实也不知道在信什么
如果有信仰，至少我能仰望天空问天
但我没有
所以我只能继续不知道相信什么
多么简单多么煎熬多么困难

hmm 突然想起《等待果陀》。

Tea for 2

2009-08-15T01:55:00.007+08:00

Char suggested that we go to the posh cafe to study.
Having been poverty stricken for the past year, I replied with a worn "Isn't it too expensive?".
" They have tea for 2 bucks "
"Serious?!"
"Yes" (Flip menu) "See, there. "
"We are going to order 2 bucks tea at such a place? Isn't it a little inappropriate?"
" If you paiseh I order lo "
" It's not that, but we are going to sit here for hours...for just 2 dollars each? That's not even 10 percent of the waiters and waitresses' pay. I feel better if I am hogging a seat like that at Mac, just not here... "
" Ok, we go check out Mac then "

There is no power point at Mac. We needed one for Char's laptop.

Back at the posh cafe, we got a seat and started browsing through our menus.

I still couldn't give in to the 2 bucks cup of tea. I started mentally calculating their estimated electricity and water bills for the 3 hours we were going to sit there.

Finally Char ordered tea for 2.

When we paid for the bill later, we realised there were no service charge included. It was 2 bucks net.

" Are we supposed to tip? No service charge leh, they made a mistake? "
" Maybe they can tell we are poor students? "
" They are crazy. Why are they doing this? "
" So that we will keep coming back even when we are rich? "

Well, I may keep coming back, for guilt trips.

Who is ripping off who? it's too early to know.

this is for myself. and i don't need comments. thanks.

2009-08-12T22:51:00.014+08:00

I am disappointed, to the point of wanting to give up on you. You are as perfect as you are mean. You are as intelligent as you are cold. I just want to give up trying to understand you and your elitist world. Yes, today I wished that cup smashed into your head so you could bleed and feel the pain you have been causing me. You are torturing all of us here. How can I be even related to you? What makes you think you are worth being given such self-important treatment?Nobody could ever bring such anger upon me other than you, you who keep testing my tolerance and taking it for granted. If being a smartass means you can treat your family like shit, then I rather have a subnormal in replacement of you. All we are asking for is peace and understanding, and please, can you stop hurting the people who love you the most?

So you think the grass is greener on the other side? So you think greener grass is better for you? Do you even know if it's grass you are looking for?

I think maybe I should just start to live my life without you.

I just can't take it anymore. Enough damage done.

一刻缘分

2009-08-07T00:01:00.007+08:00

(Above: Pasajero, by Xavi Comas, Transport Asian@ SAM)

照片里的主角都不知道自己被拍，所以当照片捕捉到人物望向镜头的那一刻，那是可遇不可求的缘分。

其实在创作City S的过程，我也有这样的感觉。平时我们虽然每个星期都会见面，但就真的只是‘见面 ’而已。每次的交流都流于表面，之后的精神都集中在训练上。只有在编剧课的时候，才有机会看到自己和别人的挣扎，听到平时我们都不会说的话。但无论如何，整个过程因为呈现了一种久违的真实和真诚，我还是一次又一次被感动。我想，通过这种赤裸的方式认识彼此是个很奇特的共同经验，也是我们的缘分吧。

关于City S的演出，有人说还蛮emo，有人觉得我们只呈现了城市负面的一面。作为本剧的第三只眼睛，我看到的却是创作者的自觉性和勇气 —— 是的，我们意识到自己同时都是受害者和造害者。而当我们赤裸裸地把城市人的疮疤和造害的结果摊在舞台上，这多少表示我们是勇于面对的。沉默平复表面的底下有一股正等待着改变的暗涌。这就是City S振奋人心的地方。虽然City S是在演员昂头望着天的茫然中结束，我看到的却是希望。

漂移的梦

2009-08-05T01:20:00.003+08:00

压力好大，以至每晚的梦境都已迁移国外。呵呵，移民都是被逼的吧。
有时候，逃离现实是唯一的解压方法。
当然，现实又是什么？
好，以后等我有空时再慢慢说，现在太累了。

圈

2009-07-29T14:10:00.005+08:00

曾经拥有过一道非浅的伤痕，但愈合的过程却让她成长了。
也因为如此，她觉得被伤害未必是不好的事，虽然这想法在脑海里打转的同时心里还是痛着。

后来，她伤害了一个人。心里一直觉得内疚，却束手无策。那不只是说声对不起那么简单。

不久前发生了一些事，让她终于能够体会到那种被中伤的滋味。对于那一直解不开的结，她好像开始有点头绪了。

感觉绕了一大圈，终于回到起点。

早餐

2009-07-17T02:02:00.015+08:00

很奇怪（或许也不怎么奇怪），回来后我对自己好了一点。
我不再执著于迟睡，我希望自己健康些。
以前的我，一直要挑战自己身体的极限，以为自己精力无限。
独自在外的日子在飘渺中度过，这时才诚然意识到人的渺小在于多数人的能力只能让他/她照顾好自己。至于其他人，要照顾也未必有能力照顾好。所以，真正能够爱惜自己的人除了自己也大概没有别人了。至少，要先对自己好，才能以最佳的状态接受与付出，这样才不会辜负人家嘛。
以前觉得，有人为我而活是天经地义的事，反正那是他们的选择。但现在，我担心他们为我付出之余，会忘记照顾好自己。
其实为别人而活不健康，因为太容易忘我。

因此我希望我们以后能够每天吃好早餐。不需要一起吃，但要吃得好，让接下来的一天充满魄力。这应该是我能给他们最好的祝福，也是让他们照顾好自己的第一步吧。

可惜，这里没有早餐店，除了我快吃腻的麦当劳和亚坤和小贩中心。都不健康，也不便宜。

以后如果有能力的话，或许我就学学在我宿舍附近的19 Cofe and Food的老板娘，自己在住家附近开间小小间的早餐店。

有人问，出国应不应该拿人家和自家比较？然后自问自答地说，每个国家都不同，不应该比较。
但比较是很自然的事，至少对我而言。比较让我更快知道如何去接受一个新的地方。比较让我知道自家的好坏，让我更懂得珍惜也更谦虚。

最近出现了7年之痒的症状（16岁开始才更了解新加坡，至今刚好7年），对这里开始有点不耐烦。但我不是在嫌弃什么，只是希望这里能进步得更快。不过，这里真的还有许多进步的空间，而且很多时候，我们也太自满了。

在台湾，整个城市都散发着迷人的生命力。这一点，这里相当缺乏。也许，我们可以从每天好好吃顿早餐开始吧!

Fear

2009-07-12T02:00:00.003+08:00

A friend has since young been listening to her mother tell her about all the evils she had encountered in her life.

Her mother warns her of anyone who treats her well.

Slowly she started to lose faith in people.

Sometimes she comes across really nice people whom she sincerely wants to get closer to. But the nicer they are, the less confidence she has. She wants to trust them so much, yet she's afraid that greater disappointment awaits.

Almost all the time, she is afraid of people being too close to her.

In the end, her mother became her only friend.

台湾至爱：机车

2009-07-11T01:47:00.012+08:00

Sorry I barely have time to upload the pics and videos i took in tw. But I must share this one! My dear friend is nice enough to drive me to a carpark and let me try out his scooter + almost crashing it later...囧

The scooter culture in tw is really cool (at least I think so). Being able to weave through the streets and traffic is liberating, and having wind blow against the oppressive summer heat is...liberating, too!

In Taipei, people do adhere to the traffic rules, but in Kaohsiung bikers pretty much ignore them. So my friend and I had basically tried riding against traffic, past traffic lights and on pavements XD Ok I am very excited over this because traffic in Singapore has always been orderly and I have not seen anything otherwise though I am sure many other countries have scooters culture like this too (and much worse than tw's). And I think my tw friends aren't too envious of the traffic in Sinagpore, they rather stick to their scooters.

Sounds dangerous, but it's alright actually. There are much less cars in Kaohsiung, and bikers and pedestrians look out for one another. Singapore won't have allowed me to do that.

Because the air quality on the road is really poor, the 2 necessities are 1)mask 2) helmut with cover. The helmut I wore in Taipei has no cover, so when I went back and wiped my face with the cleansing wipe, i got a nasty shock. The wipe was grey grey one ~~

So, i was really grateful to see a helmut with cover when i went to Kaohsiung. My friend added on the cover just before I came. So nice.

We went over to 旗津 by ferry. And guess what, the ferry not only carry people but people+scooters and people+bicycle. So convenient!

And it's so cute seeing families on scooters. The kid will be sitting in front. The father will be driving. And the mother will be the pillar rider. There is even a hook to carry bags.

Ok, that is all for now. I am supposed to be asleep some time ago! update more soon~

back. ache

2009-07-08T02:36:00.005+08:00

Hi i am back. Pun intended. haha.

I think, i will eat my words in my previous post.

*burp*

The blog was not dying. It was the writer. I guessed she got really sick, of herself.

She feels like a twelve year old imitating grown-ups sometimes. She wonders how some people just know how to live, like there is a computer programmed into their bodies telling them what to do at a certain time. And they don't go wrong. Amazing!

She needed this trip for many reasons, which she figured out only on her way back. She still doesn't know how to live, but now she knows at least what she can handle on her own, and what she can't.

Taipei is an interesting place. Interesting because unexpectedly she did not fall in love with this place at first sight. On the outside, it really looks and feels like any other Asian cities (esp HK) but looking deeper, it is a place with a lot of heart. She was touched by this place and the people who created it. Interesting also because she came and left this place with much mixed feelings.

It's 3:09am in the morning and she wants to go to bed. She yearns to sleep earlier from now on. She finally had enough of torturing her poor body.

2009-06-19T02:23:00.004+08:00

I feel like letting this place die. It has no more purpose.

There is no point in keeping something that has nothing to offer.

People change, they come and go.

I've changed and it's time I leave.

没自由的日子

2009-06-04T15:25:00.007+08:00

现在的日子不自由。

如果还不是累坏了才去睡，等待入眠的时间恐怕得花上至少半个小时。在睡梦中又会梦见白天在想的东西，梦变得越来越熟悉，不再天马行空，醒来后又开始为明天烦恼。唉，没完没了。

以前还会想逃离现实，如果受不了这里我可以跑到别的地方躲起来。但现在根本没这样的念头了，每天都在想我还有事等着要完成，要跑也跑不掉。

甚至去台湾，我还在犹豫。以我的现状去台湾，会不会什么都变得不好玩？当脑子里有许多琐碎事游来游去，怎尽情？7月去旅行，好像太任性了。

近期陷入没钱没时间的状况。其实也没怎样，是耐力的考验而已，但从中延伸了很多想法，被逼着去想的也不少。也没什么不好。

自由，一点就够了吧？人似乎要越穷精神才越富裕。因为人是爱浪费的动物，自由再多也没用，只会让人不知天高地厚。

the black hole

2009-05-23T13:33:00.000+08:00

hahaha cool...

人情

2009-05-12T00:32:00.019+08:00

感謝XM最近介紹一些麥兜片子，讓我很巧地發現了另一個麥兜系列。那就是《春田花花中華博物館》!! 這一系列一改以往帶有的許多無理頭和無奈，明顯地光鮮起來，而且多了一層人情味和深度。無論是劇本、美術、娛樂效果或教育效果，都處理得即通俗又動人，真的是誠意創意十足!

“中華文化，正因爲感人，才勁。”

（麥兜的影片都是以廣東話爲主。不好意思，沒有配音只有字幕，但字幕还是表达不出其中的韵味。）

後記：

這次真的後悔自己只懂得寫簡體字了。
方言之美...唉!
中華文化之美...唉!

我也不想‘樹欲靜而風不息，子欲養而親不在’...

Plans for hols :)

2009-04-29T00:51:00.007+08:00

Ok, this is roughly what I am planning to do this hols. I felt totally lost after my exams yesterday coz the thought of what exactly to do after exams has not crossed my mind till then.

In chronological order:
1) Settle Artivate Sponsorship stuff...I am getting nervous about it. Time is running out!
2) Plan DOC outing
3) Get all my scriptreading homework done :P
4) I may have to juggle odd jobs in the meantime
5) Plann for taiwan trip ( most probably travelling alone. But i am not against people joining me )
6) Plan for a short hk trip if I have more money ( or maybe not...I have promised too many people I will go with them :P)
7) Catch up on all my Hayao Miyazaki animes hee hee
8) Get to that tree top thing with Charmaine
9) Get around Singapore
10) Nourish my mind
11) Finish up those little projects
12) Half of July will be given to City S rehearsals and stuff...
13) Get my ass off to City T haha
14) Plan for orientation

Besides those mentioned above, must gather with friends and spend more time with family lah. and meet up with my cinemas, books, old hang outs...but I don't want a life too comfortable now, it must be one of those signs that says you are not that young anymore...time is catching up with me.

There goes the last holiday of my schooling life. It is so...unexpected.

updates...in case u r wondering if i am still alive

2009-04-25T23:12:00.006+08:00

For the first time in my life, I wish exams end later so I will have more time to study for them. I love what I am studying this semester and such is one of many moments I wished I could go on being a student for the rest of my life.

I feel apologetic for not updating. I think some friends may have given up coming by becoz this place get updated faster than a grandma bouncing uphill...

I am having a blogging slump for quite some time. I guess that is partly due to a lack of time, or a lack of mental exercise, most probably both. I have been confused as of late, I have been pondering on many thoughts but I always don't have time to think through anything. And I allowed myself to be bothered about the most minor trivalities. I got too worked up over insecurities. I kept focusing on the wrong things...like cute babies. But cutenes is necessary, it is a source of happiness.

Anyway hols are coming. I so look forward to a nice break. I have so much catching up to do!

阿桑，一路走好

2009-04-08T22:18:00.006+08:00

一直都很喜欢阿桑的歌，悲而不哀，寂寞被她唱得如此贴切自然。一首歌的沧桑是歌手的歌声和经历赋予的，听阿桑的歌总有这样的感触。你不禁会察觉，这歌声背后肯定有很多经历，你也会知道歌声的主人是潇洒的，因为她总以微笑和歌声轻轻带过一切的不美好。

阿桑的经典歌曲是《叶子》，但我最喜欢的是她的《开车》。这首歌曾陪伴我一段时间，而且每次唱K都会点这首歌，但唱完后都会把包厢的气氛搞到怪怪的，因为歌好冷静...

虽然只留下两张专辑，至少她的歌曾红过，也感动过很多人。我很为阿桑感到欣慰。

阿桑，轻轻地就这样走了。而我们呢，又少了一把能抚慰人心的歌声了。

哀悼

2009-03-11T23:55:00.005+08:00

阿麦书店（铜锣湾）关闭了...

极度的悲伤。

已没话好说，身为消费者，我能做的已做了。只是希望，本地的小型书店如草根书局在这段难熬的时期能撑得住。也希望这时候许多精神失落的人会通过阅读找到让他们心灵依靠的肩膀。

Her morning elegance

2009-02-28T19:40:00.004+08:00

Char showed me a really cool video recently and i am hooked！

Been busy, so my posts are getting really stale. Hope this vid freshens things up abit here :)

刻板化的languages

2009-02-19T02:44:00.016+08:00

书展的某一天，有某中文系同学来买书，一开口就跟我们讲英语。我的第一个反应是‘这里卖的差不多全都是中文书啊,我们这里也全都是中文系的学生，某同学不可能不知道吧。干嘛还说英语??’

更早之前，有朋友来过这里，看到我用英文写blog，就说'怎么会有英文?'

前者似乎是本地普遍的阶级问题。以华语开口已有某种象征，所以很多人开口时怕用华语。后者是文化的问题，刻板印象已让大多数人认为，中文系学生没有异族朋友！其实，我的朋友当中有看不懂华语的，也有异族朋友。而身为中文系学生就应该最了解这种刻板问题但，唉，对啦，就连我自己有时候也会被这种刻板印象的框框套住。有时候会觉得本地的中文系学生压力还蛮大，想证明自己不是全世界所以为的-- 中文系学生很呆、只会吟诗、英语不及格、毕业后通通去做老师的外星人（为什么没人会想起本地有个林少芬？），而加倍努力做起双语人。但为什么我们要那么努力地重复着全新加坡人都误解的？我们就无法拒绝这种重复性的表演吗？

再来，其实一个人想用什么语言说话就用阿，干嘛我们要那么执著于什么人就该用什么特定语言? 语言可以反映一个人所处在的环境与文化但文化包含的不只是语言。所以，现在我可以有点欣慰地对自己说：Relax。但到头来，难,难。这种语言错觉最终还是会海啸式地把我们卷走。

怎么办?还是提醒自己：尊重。

还有，还真得习惯凡事不要有先入为主!（想想看，还蛮难的）

I may get a dog one day

2009-02-05T00:56:00.013+08:00

It is a wonder how some fears just disappear as one ages. My fear for dogs seems to diminish as I grow older. Quite out of the sync with my old self, I have come to understand the need for a dog's accompaniment.

Perhaps it started with Char's dog, Lovely. She's the quietest, tamest dog I have ever met. And then, Joy's Sydney, he didn't bark during Christmas, the kindest gesture he could ever make. ( Or maybe he was just vain, he returned from the pet grooming shop the afternoon before and was in extremely good mood.) His usual self never failed to bark the guts out of me.

As much as words being a necessity in real world, it is ironic how as we grow up and our vocabulary bank fills up, the proportion of noise in a normal grown-up's conversation merely increases. Well sometimes, it is tiring to speak, it is tiring to listen. Even music is not spared. Slowly, having a quiet dog started to occupy more and more of my daydreams.

Another thing being, people need each other but we prefer not to acknowledge such a need due to various reason being too proud/limited time/energy/loving capacity/lack of expressiveness. Eventually we can only choose to love a few of our own. The existence of the others are rather meaningless. Team-building is crap, it's for mere corporate purpose. In the end, no matter how our facebook accounts are brimming with friends, we are pretty much on our own.

Thus a dog, a dog(if I have a dog I will only get the quieter ones anyway)...it doesn't bark other than when it's hungry or need a walk. You need not care whether a pet has other friends or other commitments to oblige other than you. In other words, you are its everything and it has there for you and only you for the rest of its life. No quarrels, no scheming, no complains, doesn't cheat. It definitely deserves more love than a future megalomaniac of an impossible husband I guess. Talk about replication of ideal love, this may even afford a surpass!

哈哈笑过日子

2009-02-03T04:37:00.004+08:00

上图那四个搞怪的，是他们啦，把我逗得很乐，为我那非常郁闷的生活迎来了一股清凉的风。他们的音乐不闷也从不伤心，kuso但不无聊，有时很暴笑。最近才发现，他们的魅力是在现场的舞台上而非CD。他们的四人团体，一个人弹吉他，一个弹贝斯，一个打鼓还有一个偶尔弹organ偶尔玩简单percussion的主唱-- 但音乐的爆发力和感染力让人想立刻舞动起来，快乐起来，好感动啊~~~

我们的茶霓思乐团有的是他们人数的3倍吧但何时才能达到这种境界??

quietly

2009-01-23T23:38:00.013+08:00

sunset,mine

outlook,now

old diary

2008-12-28T01:48:00.010+08:00

I was reading through the first diary I've ever owned ( dates back to 1996 ) and it is the only one that survived till now. I sounded like a bitter and bitchy kid. Sometimes I wrote, I hate who and who.( "XXXXXX thinks she so pretty but she is rude and ugly like a monster. I wish she will go to hell and stop changing my friends") Sometimes I wrote, my best friend now is who and who. Eventually I started writing to God, because little me had no best friends anymore and God was the only One I could tell my troubles to ("I hate them coz they flirt with guys and try to act cool") The last time I wrote to Him, I thanked him for having eyes to see my misery and ending it by giving me a best friend. I stopped writing to Him since.

I told Charmaine, maybe I am just not the religious kind of person. I was born a potential psycho, judging from my ugly kiddy writings, later saved by my family to become a cynic, getting tamer by the day. My upbringing had never taught me to believe. Thinking back, maybe it was just a phase I was going through but I should have been more grateful and believed him, shouldn't I?

Then again, diaries had always been a tool to vent my anger. I hardly remembered to write when I was happy ( still applies now ).

Found a very funny DIY CNY card made by a sec 3 friend (grammatical errors not edited :P):

"Yoz! CNY is finally. Finally can slack. ( You everyday also slack ). 不知不觉一年就过去了,known you for a year, you are the crappest person I have ever met in my whole life. ( Don't understand why you got so many things to crap about...) -_-??? 'O'levels are here...sighzzz...hope you will do well in this year and hope our friendship will last forever, ok? - Kill Bush - "

Hahaha -Kill Bush-

Bush is still alive, but we've lost contact. Everybody knows better than to make such promises nowadays. We rather shut up and leave everything to fate.

海边的一天

2008-12-22T03:11:00.009+08:00

践踏的证据，若想忘记，海的温柔把它一一消灭。
即使是最不潇洒的人，也显得宽容。

朦胧美，不美的都看不清了。

新加坡，连树都是多元种族的。

let's not die

2008-12-15T01:34:00.014+08:00

A friend and I were walking quietly down a lonely road on a forgotten night.

"What exactly is reality? Sometimes it seems like reality is full of illusions"
"Illusions are what we choose to believe, but the truth always lies in reality anyway..."
"Reality is when everybody pretends they know what is going on so you are left to look like a fool...as if they know so well, like real. "
"Reality is not truth..."
"Truth hurts, but reality kills"
"It asks you not to expect, believe or hope"
"Then, maybe reality is not real? "
"Isn't real the root word of reality?"
"Ya maybe, that's why we die in reality. Nothing is more real than death."
"What if that is its only truthful moment?During death."
"Then we know we were cheated our entire lives. Now you know why the dead don't lie."

We slipped into another bout of silence.

死着

2008-12-05T21:42:00.016+08:00

她是个热情的女孩，有事没事总爱傻笑，撒娇和拥抱。她的拥抱，毫无保留。汹涌澎湃的快乐把你淹没，慷慨得让你溺毙。这样的激情，爆发时像高潮，来得快去得快，有惊无险。但她抱你一次，你心死一次。“为什么有些人生来如此快乐？”你心死前问道。望着她无邪的笑容，心死时，到底充满着多少不解与哀怨？

很多东西会让人想死。没想到，快乐也会。

然而，你最终还是死去、活来。她的微笑，阳光般。你的脸庞，硬邦邦。你的心里好不甘。于是，你死一次活一次。死，因不懂得活。活，因不愿死。她给你的温暖，只提醒着你无法拥有的。

生生死死，好无谓。当别人打从心底给你的每一份温暖，都成了冷嘲的暗涌。

Marvis 《回忆》

2008-11-12T03:38:00.009+08:00

歌词，在感动里回旋。感动，在回旋中犹豫。
喜欢，形容得难分难解。 难分难解，很难形容。

<回忆>

(回忆在时间里沉淀) (时间在回忆中消失) (触感在重覆中麻木)
(我们在麻木中重覆) (爱情在指缝间承诺) (指缝在爱情下交缠)
(没有在拥有中挣扎) (拥有在挣扎里回忆) (回忆在时间里沉淀....)
穿著雪白而空荡你的衬衫躺在空荡而雪白我们的地上嚼著
重覆而无聊的口香糖跟你无聊而重覆地跑到街上给我
(假如时间是一条弧线)给你(我们将在周围的另一边再开始)
开始一段结束结束一段开始没有我没有你没有天没有地
(在天和地之间你早就说了我们本来就是一个游戏)

(你会不会想起the eternal sunshine of a spotless mind?)

ramblings

2008-11-10T14:52:00.007+08:00

The thing about blogging is, it is really time munching so when you are running out of time, this is not the place to escape to.

you know sometimes, it is not like you are a cold demon sort of person but when you get so hung up with your own business you just want to detach from the world you are living in. you stop caring about your own life, you stop blogging, and you stop reading your friends' blogs. the last thing you would want to read about is how another close-being is suffering as badly as you are -- or worse, and then you start to wallow in self-pity.

anyway, out of curiosity, i have started learning palm-reading online, it is so interesting! As opposed to what people say about palm reading, that it is about telling the future, it is not entirely so. in fact, it is just pretty much about the state you are in now, and based on the sort of person you are now, the palm reader can either state or predict. The lines on your palm change with time, according to how you've changed, so it is not like your fate is unchangeable(though, it depends). what type of a person you are is all written in your hands, and i am kind of glad that there is somewhere your true self can't hide. In case you are having a hard time trying to be someone you are not, well at least you know somewhere in you, all is not lost. my sister just brought back a book on personality types, and it is inaccurate because of the way they group and define your personality, so mind-fuddling. I think it is tricky when one does personality tests, there is always a confusion between who you really are ( which you are not entirely sure) and who you want to be ( which is not who you are). It is So Subjective... ...

and it is crazy! i can't believe Christmas is around the corner, i thought it is still June.

Life is wonderful

2008-10-29T17:33:00.006+08:00

It takes a crane to build a crane
It takes two floors to make a storey
It takes an egg to make a hen
It takes a hen to make an egg
There is no end to what I'm saying

It takes a thought to make a word
And it takes some words to make an action
It takes some work to make it work
It takes some good to make it hurt
It takes some bad for satisfaction

Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful

It takes a night to make it dawn
And it takes a day to make you yawn brother
And it takes some old to make you young
It takes some cold to know the sun
It takes the one to have the other

And it takes no time to fall in love
But it takes you years to know what love is
It takes some fears to make you trust
It takes those tears to make it rust
It takes the dust to have it polished

Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful

It takes some silence to make sound
It takes a loss before you found it
And it takes a road to go nowhere
It takes a toll to make you care
It takes a hole to make a mountain

Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful

"It takes some work to make it work"
I suppose alot of work means my life is more than wonderful, just very tiring.

I should be more glad than ever. *force smile*, back to work.

唉，有的没的

2008-10-20T19:18:00.015+08:00

每天在希望一天能有48个小时。很多东西想同一时间做，很多东西想做。疯狂的忙碌中，越来越恐慌，不是怕东西做不完，而是在和时间比赛的拼搏中发现，人老得很快，比自己想象中还快，而且是在不知不觉中。

越来越觉得自己活得很 just in case。Just in case, 我命短。这不是悲观，我很现实。没有人有能力担保明天还活着，只是多数人选择不想太多。

最近为不同的事有点小生气。不是大动怒火那种，只是会在意。气自己的成分最多。

还好，睡一觉就忘了。其实偶尔生气还不错，因为会生气表示你还有让你在乎，想进步的事。而且生气让人显得更有生气，呵呵...不生气的人,有点不像人，我反而会怕。

（小气的人生气，argh，那是另一回事。）

最近有个脾气非常非常好的朋友生气了，霎那间，我感觉很relieved（relief这字真的在脑海里闪过）。因为在那情况中，生气是应该的。朋友若没反应，我会觉得怪。

还有，最近很偶然去了giordano concepts一趟，不是通街都是的giordano啦，是wisma那间，看到漂亮的设计心情怎么坏都会变好。消费一番做成了永久会员，超开心!!以后谁要到那里买东西可以跟我借会员卡，好像有八折。

就这样吧，最近太忙了，无法大作文章，就报告点有的没的...舒缓压力!

不舍

2008-10-17T23:01:00.005+08:00

每个黄昏，颜色好老
于是每个残阳降临前
你躲到了，地铁的隧道
却避不开一海垂死的脸。

下一次会是几时?

2008-09-25T01:30:00.007+08:00

已经很久没有好好吃顿早餐，最近不停地crave。终于，昨天在试图假装自己还很空闲时做了两份早餐（但在午餐时间才煮好，饿得我们俩脚软...oops!）给妈妈和我共享。妈妈还有special request,scramble不要用牛油抄...我当然不敢拒绝啦。

It's been a long time since I last had a proper breakfast, but due to my recent craving for a nice warm english breakfast, I pretended that I am very free and took my own sweet time making brekkie for mama and me! Mama even made a special request, no butter for her scramble. Troublesome, but I dare not turn her down other than discouraging her by saying " Butter is tastier ".

So hey pesto! Here is what we had :
Two mugs of hot tea, scrambled eggs (with butter and without butter), ham, banana pancakes

Love breakfast!

喝茶吧

2008-09-21T00:47:00.008+08:00

一定有那么一次，你觉得自己很可怜，其他人很恐怖。或者，现实生活中，周旋着一个在恶梦中出现过的恶人。还是，跟一群让你不太舒服的人在一起，你觉得很无聊。

然后，你会不停地想，我恨不得把自己变成一只鸟飞走。想着想着，脑海开始出现一片蔚蓝色的天空，你穿梭在云层间。再想啊想，你发现自己身上长出了羽毛，你开始感觉到挥着翅膀时双手的力量，很自在地拍出了自己的节奏。怎么那么痛快？你不禁问道，解脱就是这样吗？

如果能永远这样下去那该多好。你们走你们的阳关道，我在这里好了。

可是，翅膀拍着拍着，你开始累了。是翅膀拍累了还是，你想着自己拍着翅膀想到累了?

你眨了眨眼，定了定神，搅了搅那杯已冷掉的茶。

My things\ Hong Hao

2008-09-15T00:45:00.009+08:00

Randy Pausch's last lecture talked alot about the importance of childhood dreams, and as much as I had never believed in any of mine religiously enough to actually pursue them, I agree with him. Like certain saying goes, silly thoughts are often the spark of brillance.

I think my first ambition was to be the nurse because nurses have nice uniforms and they do cool things like jabbing people with needles. Nobody would dare bully nurses.

After which for a long long time I gave up the idea of having an ambition. Though when I was really young, I was much more extroverted and being an actress did cross my mind for a short while. I had also wanted to be a chef and a florist but such thoughts died off pretty quickly.

In my teenage years I fell in love with Adrian Tan's Teenage Workbook but the Teenage Textbook movie was real boo boo and so distraught with disappointment was I that I vowed to become a movie director in order to produce an improved version. However, I had no idea how to go about becoming Eric or Royston and all that I have done so far happened only in my head.

I also started to like fashion but found myself cursing at every shop I entered. Designs offered here were that bad(and still is) . For a span of 3 years I wanted to be a fashion designer just so that I could make my own clothes and stop torturing myself shopping outside. Apparently, I have given up on both that dream and shopping altogether for the time being.

As for now, after much reality check and lessons on humility, I learnt that 1) dreams are one of those things you work hard for quietly and 2) keeping happy secrets is one of the simple pleasures in life :)

过期关头

2008-09-11T23:51:00.007+08:00

最近受到了阿武的启发，也影响了我对罐头不健康的形象有所改观。虽然罐头会继续过甜过咸，但过了期时原来还可以蛮有深度的。或许，阿武真的太over了，只是经过王家卫那种偶尔也很over的浪漫化诠释，加上阿武人帅，我们就不太计较地跟着overlook啦。

当然，看着阿武傻愣愣地边吃凤梨边问世界上有什么是不会过期时，哪个女生不会想对他说，若你那让人怜爱的样子不会过期，我对你的迷恋也不会过期。当然，若阿武没那么帅，我们很可能也会毫不心软地丢下一句，世界上真的差不多没什么不过期，小子你就好自为之吧。然后毒口婆心地劝劝，还吃这么多凤梨，小心泻死你。

对于过期这回事，必定会贬值。过了期的东西，不就要还，不就要丢，不就腐烂，不就变质。倒过来说，我们对每一件事能付出的感情有限，尽了自会变质，over了显得勉强。

朋友最近对‘关系’这东西所困惑，我在旁也好像爱莫能助。她说，大学得来的友情很难长久，她相信和我也不过如此。其实那时我不应该否认，可能我们之间仅有如此的缘分。

缘分，有限，分量看人而异。有些缘分，只限于几分钟，只够偶尔打招呼而已。有些则长些，一生中能一起吃几顿饭。有些缘分本能慢慢在几年内用尽，却没好好经营就浪费掉。至于一辈子的，也不知道是幸运还是倒霉，但出于在时间上的投资，最好还是珍惜。

在《跳越时空的女孩》中，Makoto意外得到穿越时空的能力。在感情中犹豫的她，利用穿越时空的能力来改变俩人关系的发展，后来发现原来穿越时空的次数是有限的。原来之前她挥霍的是与心爱的人之间的缘分，到了最后用尽了她只能后悔末极。

朋友之间的关系需用心经营，说难不难，说易也不完全。有缘的，轰轰烈烈一场，该散就散。或淡如水的，也可以细水长流。

顺其自然吧。虽然说，腐烂的豆腐能制成臭豆腐，发霉的葡萄能制成美酒。但臭豆腐再臭下去还是不能吃，美酒摆久了始终会变质。

过了期的，就让它入土吧。或你也可以找一棵树挖个洞，在送别时，顺便往里面说个秘密。

Strawberry 士多啤梨

2008-09-08T14:00:00.007+08:00

妈妈最近买了草莓，好喜欢草莓。怕酸，不过自有食法:
沾 condensed milk 咯。
不幸感冒，不然再配上一杯香草冰淇淋那会多棒啊~~

Mama bought strawberries recently, upon my request.
There they were, as I opened the fridge this morning, resting daintily in the corner.

Still pretty and fresh, despite running through my mind all night.

Favourite season

2008-09-02T22:39:00.011+08:00

As the summer breeze subsided and the cooler wind swept by, the warmest of green escalates to a fiery climax, sucking all remnants of passion and leaving behind the cold.

Like a flush, or a flash. After which, everything gleams, clean again. Or once giddy, now calm, sane. Like after any fall.

Beneath the calmess promises change,
or changes,
for the quiet driver
turning down memory lane.

Only the red leaves remain.
They will fall
without bloodshed.

Down here, the sky chose to rain.
But I would like autumn I think.

重温家卫

2008-08-26T17:21:00.003+08:00

这几天因presentation的关系，名言气顺地泡了整两天的王家卫电影，快爽死了。顿时，我觉得自己成了那只没脚的鸟，到了该落地的时候仿佛想死掉。或是像苏丽珍假戏成真，在获悉周慕云将离开时才发现对他的万分不舍。

有没有多一张船票，让我跟他离开？或替我画张登机票，画得不像没关系，他要去哪里我就去哪里。然后，等待听他回答一句， “没关系，我每天都在这一带走来走去，总有机会碰上的”。

其实，你说的每一句话我都想重温。

xxXxx

- 自从她走了之后，家里很多东西都发生了变化。
“你知不知道你自己瘦了很多啊？”
“以前嘟嘟的，你看你现在”
梁朝伟对着肥皂说：
“整个都扁了，何苦来呢，要对自己有信心嘛”

- 对一条湿乎乎的毛巾：
“我叫你不要哭嘛，哭到什么时候呢？做人要坚强点嘛，你看看你，象棵菜一样躺下来，象什么？”
“我帮帮你吧”（把毛巾拧干，挂起来）
“现在是不是舒服点？”
梁对布玩具说话
“怎么不吭声啊？”
“别生她的气啦”
梁对白毛绒玩具熊说
“每个人都有不清醒的时候，给她个机会，好不好？”
梁对一件衬衣说：
“是不是很寂寞啊？”
“才几天嘛？用不着弄成那样子嘛”
“很冷吗？来，我来给你点温暖” 于是开始熨它

- 不知道是不是因为天气变了，我开始觉得很多东西都不同了，为什么茄汁青鱼会有豆豉的味道？

- 梁对香皂说：
“你不要自暴自弃嘛，前阵子还好好的，好好的怎会胖成这样子？！她虽然不在了，你还是得见人嘛，不要再放纵自己了，减肥吧”

- 对毛巾说：
“你知不知道我想骂你很久了，你变了很多呀，做人要有性格嘛，不管她回不回来，你也不应该改变你自己嘛，你自己好好反省吧。”
（毛巾的一角，滴下一滴水）
看着它哭的样子，我觉得很开心，因为无论它的外表怎么变，它仍然是一条多愁善感的毛巾。

- 梁抱着毛绒熊：
“觉不觉得我乐观多了，我觉得很多东西都变漂亮了，我以前觉得你很笨，现在看看你也蛮可爱的嘛，可是你不要弄得自己脏兮兮的嘛，以前白白的不是很好吗，干嘛要弄得黄黄，看，还一条大疤痕，你是不是和别人打架啦？”

- 拿起衬衣：
“你干嘛要躲在这里，你知不知道我找你很久了？躲在这里没有用的，要面对现实嘛。你看你都发霉了，明天吧，明天我有空给你晒太阳。”
（第二天，阳台上衬衣映衬着蓝天，一架飞机缓缓飞过）

- 不知道从什么时候开始，在什么东西上面都有个日期，秋刀鱼会过期，肉罐头会过期，连保鲜纸都会过期，我开始怀疑，在这个世界上，还有什么东西是不会过期的？

- 金城武要离开时，call机响了。
“368复机”
"请说出密码"
“爱你一万年”
“你702房间的朋友跟你说生日快乐”
“谢谢”

- 张曼玉：他对每个女人都是一样的。张曼玉：坐一会儿好了，我们要关门了。

刘嘉玲：其实我不应该来的，我不应该给你一个痛快的机会。不过我始终觉得他爱我多一点，说到底他是因为我而离开你的。

张曼玉：这种事，早点知道比晚点知道要好。现在哭的是你而不是我，我已经没事很久了。

- “其实了解一个人并不代表什么，人是会变的，今天他喜欢凤梨，明天他可以喜欢别的。”

glaring weakness

2008-08-19T00:57:00.005+08:00

Because I am really tired and I am still stubbornly drowning myself in self-indulging stupor, I need to laugh badly.

I am OMG-ing at this joke because for it to come from an Ang Moh, our weakness must have really been glaring. Even our weakness is internationally renowned. Everything must be world-class...

Anyway, here is it:

' "You say you've just come from the Sudan?" he said. " And I know you've written about India and Singapore."

"I lived in Singapore for three dreadful years."

"You will appreciate this then," he said. " A Sudanese said," In your opinion, what is the nutritional value of beef?"

The Sudanese said "what is nutritional value?"

The Indian said "What is beef?"

And the Singaporean said, " What is an opinion?"

-- from Dark Star Safari by Paul Theroux

But coming to think about it, we will deal with it somehow. Our Singlish and unbearable weather have somehow good-naturedly nurtured our local girls to become hot irresistable things that speak English with an exotic accent, even landing a spot in the top 10 of some World's Hottest Girls poll. Hmm...

We will make something out of our opinions, or the lack of it, somehow.

不理智来帮帮忙

2008-08-15T14:13:00.004+08:00

一个人是怎样对一样东西产生强烈的好感或厌恶感呢?当那种感觉强烈得无法让周遭的人理解，那只是一个人的不理智，还是一群人的无知?

v说她很讨厌本国。讨厌的程度让我有点吃惊。

n刚来这里不久，他说这里的人怎么好像都不肯承认自己是华人。语气带着不解和不服。

w说，有些编剧家写剧本写得很自私。

老李说，我们不需要反对党。他已迈入垂暮之年，现在最害怕的是会有什么反对党把他所建立的一切给毁掉。他的不安，别说让他从棺材跳出来，连踏进去也不可能。我们何时才能放过他，他又何时才肯放过我们？不如见好就收手，孩子已是中年人了，遇到中年危机还要伸手求老爸帮忙，丢不丢脸啊？

就算我们的恨意或爱意之深之浓，是不是时候该帮帮这位老人家？毕竟，人在爱与恨的时候都一样会做出让人无法理解的举止和愚蠢的牺牲，发挥人无私之非本性。

反正，我们都不理智那么多年了。

某人家

2008-08-08T00:37:00.008+08:00

你家厨房窗外的天空辽阔得有点浪漫。
如果你的家还有烟囱，
把那缕缕炊烟和云朵搅拌成
饭后的那杯加了saffron的牛奶
黄昏可能会为了下场凉快的雨而红些。
在雨中，我们穿着防滑的拖鞋走到mama shop
像小时候，在白日梦中
我终于从荷包挖出足够的零角，随意买下凌乱的零食。
角落果然出现吃着香蕉的印度ah neh，
我仿佛回到了某个久远的地方。

无题

2008-08-06T01:03:00.005+08:00

刚巧遇上，她看我的表情，不太喜欢。其实我和她之间没过节，就算有，也是幻想出来的。我对她没敌意，对她笑笑无妨。她的回笑却好勉强。但至少，还笑得出。

这样的情形，这样的尴尬，又再次重演，还好这次角色对换了。她自觉处于某种弱势，我则从容地卸下某种压力，然后在彼此目光交叉的那一刹那，全部兑现给她。

她面对我，好像很骄傲。又是一次的鬼鬼祟祟，自己和自己搞神秘，说真的，没人在乎。她想面对的，是个能激起她优越感的人，但我刚好是一片上了漆的白墙。我没有能让她鄙视的理由，她又何必把我当成假想敌?

好奇怪，明明就没什么关系，也没交情。没做成朋友，又怎成敌? 难道做不成朋友的就全是敌人?不是吧... ...

可能，也不是她的问题。我本来就有点讨人厌，是苍蝇缠人的那种。她也差不多，但至少我学会不让她烦到我，毕竟她是可怜的。

Another start!

2008-08-04T12:59:00.002+08:00

To myself

First day of school. You thought you weren't prepared, but there is nothing to prepare really, other than your state of mind.

Holidays concluded in the most unexpected way, but nonetheless happy. Started off with a plan, but like rules, the fun comes from breaking away from it, and then, watching everything run their course at their own will. It is wonderful how things always fall into place so effortlessly, and yet purposefully. I guess, everything just needs time, and in time - chance, to find their own place and work their beauty.

You may be blaming the lack of time for your inability to complete all the things you wish you could but...

Nah don't be too greedy.

Anyway, it is time to go.
Off to school~
Gambettei!

请勿拆开

2008-07-31T22:45:00.002+08:00

今天在老地方nua nua的时候... 我选了‘请勿拆开’

咖啡因
太清醒
秩序后的一片混乱
捆绑着没有自律的人
几时才能投降于正常运作？
茶包，请勿拆开。

so sore

2008-07-29T01:02:00.011+08:00

He wanted to tell every living soul how wonderful life was without her.

Indeed, there was nothing to miss.

The increase in self-value was apparent, despite recent inflation and all, there was an overall improvement in his quality of life and self-esteem. It had been a long time since last heard, the harmonious rhythm of his heart and his savings, swelling at the same time, such pure joy to the ears.

Two months ago, when she had betrayed him and asked for his forgiveness, she looked like a witch, and him, pope of the witch-burning church. But right then, when her face appeared in his mind again, it resembled more of Charlotte Church singing with Les Choristes garcons. She was just a miserable sore thumb that gave him sore eyes.

For the pain she underwent to seek his condonation, even though his eyes wanted to puke and his ears wanted to cry, his heart was ready to forgive.
What remained of hatred when you need not feed, cloth or please a woman anymore?

His wise advice to all men, angry, sad or gay: the best treatment for money is for a man to bag it for himself, or buy auspicious numbers to bet on. Only a fooled man would buy alphabetic letters printed on a woman's bag, and then bet for her love.

At that very moment, it dawned on him, the reward for facing the music was to hear it, most likely a sweet number.

He eyed his latest bank statement lovingly.

She might have chosen the LV bag over him but he definitely cost more.

the shopaholic

2008-07-26T19:59:00.010+08:00

why this exhaustion? look at the sky, how the clouds shift, glide, shuffle, such impatience, like you waiting for the bus, cursing the late driver silently as you tap your left foot. or waiting for the red light to change so you can cross. but you never waited, you always take chances, plunge right into the traffic, amidst all the honking and expecting cars to swerve, expecting drivers to see you. but you are just a pedestrain and nobody is setting you on a pedestal.

i have stopped pretending, i have stopped looking at my own reflection when i walk past the glasses of shopping malls. because no one is looking, so i should stop looking too.

today i bought thick glasses, so thick that everything looks too focused, too swift. Is it too clear? why is everything so off balanced? I just wanted to observe, from a distance, but the world never stays still enough...

the giddy flying lights, the spinning carousel, the sneering clowns, the errie backdrop, this place is making me nauseous.

put me down put me down.

i started wailing.

like an austistic child who cannot understand the mechanism of the world.

i just needed a toy and comfort myself with the bliss of ignorance.

遐想1

2008-07-19T15:57:00.006+08:00

若能有一千个朋友
我们会像一森林的树
一起呼吸但不能彼此拥抱
我们注定独来独往

今天越来越少
若能有一千个朋友
问我一千个问题就好
让我找出一千个答案
回答了你也认识自己。

别问会不会害怕
只懂得往前走。
若发慌若烦闷
抽根烟看电视睡个觉
醒来后一切如常。
我们一起做木头人。

简约法

2008-07-19T00:28:00.003+08:00

打回圆形
泡泡的原形
心甘情愿
做回原来的悲观主义者
脸上的
两撇武士眉
保佑平安无事

爱怎么干都好
现在流行环保
还有性别错乱
随便啦
男人女人
简称为
人就好。

悠悠的风

2008-07-16T01:04:00.005+08:00

风，悠悠的风
悠然在这一刻晚空
遥遥远山,静静远海
淡淡新月已渐上
风, 悠悠的风
悠然在这一刻晚空
遥遥晚舟,寂寂晚钟
默默灯火已渐上
豆腐青菜
咸鱼瘦肉
预备筷子
预备煲汤
阵阵米香
预备你喜欢的能手菜
风,悠悠的风
悠然在这一刻晚空
遥遥远山,静静远海
默默看星星闪闪烁
预备洗菜
预备切肉
豆豉爆鸡
豆腐煮鱼
腊肉芥兰
味味你喜欢的能手菜
烟,阵阵炊烟
悠然在这一刻晚天
徐徐晚风,默默晚钟

静待你返屋企晚饭

爱神帮不了你

2008-07-15T01:17:00.004+08:00

人从出生的那一刻就是注定要受苦。用一生的精力去寻找活下去的理由，到最后就这样活过来了，唯一理由就是为了寻找活下去的理由。这是什么理由?

要找理由就最好不要求真相。

若是无神主义者，又找不到可信的理由，要不就投降去信神，要不就越快死掉越好，活着太痛苦。求爱神也没用，祂只不过是神。谁叫你不信?

请原谅作者的语无伦次,最近睡不够。

Of places lost, of places found

2008-07-13T23:39:00.017+08:00

chinatown, it used to be so not my 地盘, but thanks to dramabox and casualpoet, i finally got to see the less touristy side of this very touristy place, which i used to shun.

Goodbye to the grass field near my home. Hello to further short-sightedness.

(no more green pasture for eyes to feast on, damn condo)

Randomly walking in an old neighbourhood to find myself face to face with this old-style barber. Like stepping into the 70s/80s. Guess where?(prize for correct ans)

Another beautiful place.

The lazy sunday passed by
like the gentle swaying of the leaves
by the window
of the place bathed in warm yellow
like a creamy egg yolk
dancing with glee.
hee.